Talking To Dad

You Only Have One?

2012-01-10T14:43:00.002-05:00

I get asked that question so many times when I talk to customers or am out. They see Tanis or hear about him and ask "you only have one?" It is an innocent question and I know people don't mean anything by it, but sometimes it cuts to the bone. We both wanted more children and have tried, but the miscarriages have almost destroyed our marriage and has definitely caused depression. People carry all kinds of pain bottled up inside that is never shared this is my pain. Kellie and I wanted more children, we have experienced pain that a lot of the world never has to go through. We know what it is like to go to the O.B. to hear a heart beat and instead get told that something went wrong and that it was just bad luck and that we are young enough we can try again. We have spent most of our 30's trying again and all we have to show for it is our awesome son. I am so thankful we have him but I wish we had a bigger family. I wish we had a daughter to walk down the aisle. Not six silent scars I carry on my heart. Scars that are torn open when someone says "you only have one?" It is an innocent question but it sounds so sarcastic and accusatory to me. Like you could only succeed once....ha ha your not a real man. The other statement that cuts is "you don't understand because you only have one child." Well I want to say to them you don't understand because you haven't been through 6 miscarriages. Your wife hasn't been pregnant for 100 weeks but only has one child. The pain I see in Kellie's eyes kills me, she is my world and I want to protect her and I don't even understand how hard it has been on her how much more painful it must be for her to lose a child. So I proudly and loudly say I only have one and I love him more than any other child in the world and I love my wife for giving him to me and I will be the man they both need me to be. Love ya guy!

Guilty Pleasure

2012-01-10T14:38:00.002-05:00

I have to admit that I really enjoyed the movie Real Steel. Tanis and I went and saw it after school one day last fall. We both enjoyed it. He enjoyed it because it was robots fighting. I enjoyed it because it wasn't animated. I know it isn't an Oscar worthy movie nor was it particularly original, but I did enjoy it. It was fun to see a movie about a father and son with my son. Time is flying by, he is 8 already. It is hard to be a parent sometimes and I realize how hard it is to connect sometimes. I try to take time out for him and this movie was a perfect afternoon for us. Love ya guy!

Bittersweet Milestone

2012-01-02T18:48:00.002-05:00

Last week I hit a bittersweet milestone, when you passed away I only had one pair of jeans as most of the time I wear dress slacks and dress shirts So I had to buy some jeans. Those jeans haven't fit for 4 years. On Christmas Eve day I was able to put them on and snap them easily. I even needed a belt. I am still a bit heavier than when you passed, but I am heading in the right direction. (even though I was bad new years eve and day) It felt good to be able to wear them but bad to remember I missed you at the Holidays this year more than past years. I am not sure why, but it may have to do with some memories are starting to fade and I want to hold onto them so tightly that it hurts. I was going to do the entire month of December as memories of you but I know I can't come up with 31 of them and that makes me sad. I'm not saying I don't have 31 memories of you, but I can't conjure up 31 just off the top of my head, and some of them are not necessarily happy and a few are too personal to ever share. Just know that you are missed. P.S. The Spartans won their bowl game in triple overtime. Love ya guy.

New Year

2012-01-01T22:08:00.005-05:00

Today is the first day of a new year.

I want to take a look back on the past year.

To start with I ended this year about 80 pounds lighter than my heaviest weigh in.

The Spartan football team only lost twice in the regular and also lost the Big Ten Championship game (that cost them a trip to the Rose bowl).

A scary sign that 2012 may be our last year is the fact the Lions made the playoffs.

Tanis, Kellie and I went to Florida and almost got to see a shuttle launch.

I am sure there are a lot of significant things that happened but right now I am blanking on them so rather than looking back I will look ahead. (2012 resolutions)

I resolve to lose more weight in 2012.

I resolve to spend more quality time with my family.

I resolve to write in my blog at least 3 times a week.

I resolve to be more focused on my job.

I resolve to be more focused on my families needs especially my wife.

I resolve to be nicer to Ditzy, Kuky and Scamp as we may not have much longer with the latter 2.

I resolve to be more open about my feelings and ask for help when I need it.

I resolve to say I am sorry when I mess up.

I resolve to ride every roller coaster at Cedar Point by the end of the 2012 season (see resolution 1)

I resolve to do the warrior dash with my wife.

I resolve to do a 5k or bike ride before the end of the summer.

I resolve to grow in my Faith.

I resolve to learn an instrument (not necessarily well, but learn it anyway).

I think that is enough to put on my plate for now. I miss you and wish you were still here. Love ya guy.

November 2nd.... 4 years later

2011-11-08T14:20:00.002-05:00

Tanis and I came to visit mom. Cheri and Alex went to lunch with us. We then went to get flowers, and as it turns out tiny pumpkins for you. Tanis and I decorated 2 little pumpkins with a marker and left them. Mom bought a potted hardy mum plant we left for you. I had to dig some dirt out of your memorial vase to allow for it to sit like it should. It was a little creepy digging in the dirt at a cemetery, and the dirt was hard to wash off. Tears were shed, and Tanis tried hard to cheer mom up, but he didn't really know how. It hasn't gotten any easier. This year more than past years it has weighed heavy on my mind and heart. I am still mad. It seems so senseless. I am mad I haven't learned from you and gotten myself healthy. I am mad that my sister is following you step for step. I am mad that you aren't here anymore. I am mad I have to remember November 2nd and the significance of it. Enough time has not passed, it still feels like a fresh wound. Love ya guy.

Spartan, Tigers and Wings

2011-11-08T14:18:00.001-05:00

Tigers lost in the ALCS. Wings came out strong and have faltered recently, but it way early in the season. Spartans have lost 2 games, but are in first place in their division and could be in the inaugural Big Ten championship game. Love ya guy.

Where have I been?

2011-11-08T14:09:00.002-05:00

That is a good question. I don't really know how to answer it. I have decided to sabotage my weight loss, and have been going the wrong direction the last few months. I plan on getting on the right path Wednesday. I got lost. I am still lost. I have so many emotions that I don't know how to deal with. The recurring one is anger. I feel like I have been keeping my anger in check for so long it is consuming me. I want to yell, but I choose to be even keeled instead. I am angry about so much. I am angry most of all at myself. I lost close to 90 pounds and gained about half of it back. Why?Because my birthday depressed me? Because I miss you? Pick an excuse because that is all it really is, an excuse. Always looking for fault instead of moving forward. I want to scream sometimes. I am tired of trying to be what I am supposed to be or what people want me to be. I am tired of keeping my opinions inside so as not to offend anybody. My sales training is to blame for that, but I have let it too far into my life. I am a lion and you will hear me roar. Love ya guy.

weight Loss Update

2011-07-05T17:33:00.002-04:00

I weighed in today 70 pounds lighter than the first day, May 5th. It has been 62 days. I am excited about this so far and am still on target to lose 100 pounds in 90 days. August 2nd is my 90 day mark. I am excited about this and can't wait to see myself a year from now. Love ya guy!

Happy Birthday Kellie

2011-06-07T23:22:00.001-04:00

Today was Kellie's birthday. It was a long day that ended with the building of Legos. I don't have a lot of time so I will tell you more tomorrow. Love ya guy!

Some Updates

2011-06-06T16:40:00.002-04:00

The heater for the pool works nicely. The water went from 73 to 82 which was much more enjoyable than the 73. We tried to get the rest of leaves out and I discovered one of the problem was the catch skimmer on the pump was half full of sand. I cleaned that out and it ran a whole lot better. Kellie is going to try and vacuum out the rest of the leaves today. I did 2 new things on the grill last night one was okay the other was a lot better. The first thing was the romaine lettuce which turned out OK, it was a decent flavor but needed something more. The second thing was peaches. i took white peaches and scooped out the pits. I placed them face down on the grill so they could soften some and pick up a grill mark. I then flipped them over and put some brown sugar laced with cinnamon on top. The mixture melted and the peach softened some more, Kellie told me they were great and should would like me to do them again. love ya guy!

Grilling Time

2011-06-05T15:23:00.002-04:00

I am going to char some flesh tonight. Kellie has requested pork chops and a grilled romaine salad. I am going to do a chicken breast for me and probably green peppers. I am leaning toward doing mine as a shish kabob. We are going to swim some today, as I got the heater installed yesterday. Part of the swimming will be to vacuum out the last of the leaves. Sunday night is game night so I think we are going to play Hero's Quest. Kellie has to go to school Monday, all she has left is to finish the year book. Love ya guy!

Pool News

2011-06-04T17:47:00.002-04:00

Today I tried to install the solar heater for our pool. I had done all of the steps and had even disconnected the hose to the pump and then I found out one of the joint was broken. So I had to hook everything back up and take the broken part to the store. They replaced it so when I get home I can try to finish it. It is supposed to raise the temperature 10 degrees. Tanis went to a casting call to be an extra in a movie, he is definitely going to be an extra and may get a part as a stand in. Love ya guy!

Last Days

2011-06-03T22:19:00.003-04:00

Today was Tanis and Kellie's last day of school. Actually Kellie has to work on Monday, but no students. The celebrated by going to Vargos for ice cream. I had a long day at one of the stores interrupted by a meeting with my boss. I know tomorrow will be a good day, I need one. Love ya guy!

Thursday Is Chore Day

2011-06-02T13:15:00.002-04:00

Thursday are my have to do it chore day. It is trash day so I have to empty all of the trash cans and take the trash out, I also change the kitty litter. Today I broke down some boxes in the garage as well so I can get them recycled. I have been working on the pool for the past month and hope to install the heater Friday morning. It is a solar heater that claims to be able to raise the temperature by 10 degrees. The cat fell out of the window on Tuesday. She has never been outside before but spent the day doing who knows what. We found her around ten o'clock. I locked down the screen she fell out of as she loves to lay in the window sill when it is open. Love ya guy!

So What Is New?

2011-06-01T16:02:00.002-04:00

Like I said before I had an appointment to see a weight loss counselor on May 4th. I met with them and they told me about a new diet called HCG. HCG is a pregnancy hormone that helps the body burn fat and curb appetite. They told me that an average loss of a pound a day was normal on this diet. I decided to try it. For the first 28 days you do the HCG as an injection. The next 30 to 60 days you can do as a spray. Initially you start at 500 calories a day and then move up. I am currently at 600 a day and am doing fine with it. I ended the month of May down 41.8 pounds. I will continue to do this diet and am excited to lose the weight for me and my family. I made a solemn vow to my son to go to Cedar Point opening day next year to ride all the roller coasters. I want to live and i want to truly live not just exist. Love ya guy!

What I Learned From The Trip

2011-05-31T17:53:00.003-04:00

1. 18 hours of driving is a long time.

2. T-shirts do NOT work well as sun block.

3. Shuttle launches can be tricky

4. I want to lose weight so I can ride rides and play on the beach with my son.

5. I love my wife even more than I thought, she stood by me through all of the plans and even supported the possibility of flying down on the 16th.

6. I love my son and never want to see his eyes fill with tears like they did the day we headed home after telling him we wouldn't get to see the Shuttle.

7. God has a plan for us. Every day turned out perfect. Thursday was a slow day at Universal, Friday the visitor center thinned out, Saturday was shopping at Disney we wouldn't have been able to do, Sunday was mini golf for Tanis and I, Monday we got to swim in the ocean, Tuesday we got to bond. I wouldn't change any of those days. We don't always get what we want but we do get what we need. If the shuttle had launched Daytona wouldn't have happened.

Love ya guy!

Shuttle Launch.....It Eventually Happened

2011-05-31T17:47:00.002-04:00

The Shuttle Endeavour was launched on May 16th at 8:56 a.m. I looked into making a flight to see it but finally let it go. The trip wasn't really about seeing the shuttle as it was about spending time with my family and bonding with my son. We did make 3 different plans to see it, so you can't say we didn't try.

Our ticket were originally for April 19th. Tanis and I were going to go.

Moved to April 29th. We all tried to see it.

Moved to May 1st. Tanis and I extended our trip to see it.

So I recorded it and we watched as a family. Love ya guy!

Tuesday 2nd

2011-05-31T17:36:00.003-04:00

This was a long day of driving. It wasn't a lot of fun but we talked some. I told him I had had fun and wished I could have played with him on the beach. I asked if there was anything about me he would like to change and he quickly said no, and that he appreciated my hard work. I asked if he would like me to lose weight and he said yes. I told him I had an appointment the next day to see a weight loss counselor. The day wasn't smooth, the gas and food stops clashed. We ran into rain and it continued to get colder as we went North When we stopped for gas in Ohio I looked like a bad parent allowing my son to wear shorts. There is a potty joke that happened here too, but I won't go into that. We finally made it home. We unpacked and he got ready for bed. Turns out shirts don't work well as sun block as both of us had pretty nasty sunburns from the day before. He got to show Kellie the souvenirs he bought the day before and we all got to look at the ones we had bought throughout the trip. Love ya guy.

Monday 1st

2011-05-23T18:07:00.003-04:00

Tanis and I got up early to start home. We went to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast. Attached to it was a tourist trap souvenir store. I gave him $20 and he had a ball picking out stuff. We then hit the road. About an hour on the road I saw a sign for Daytona Beach and decided I wanted him to see the ocean. We traveled and I followed signs and before I knew it I was paying a guy $5 to drive out on the beach. We walked out to the ocean and I wasn't sure if he would want to swim or not, he did. So we found a place where I could change. We both had gotten some sun the day before so I thought we would wear our shirts to protect us and I figure people really don't want to see me without a shirt. We went swimming for a bit and played on the beach, then he saw a guy building a sandcastle with his 2 sons so he went over to see if he could play too. He played with them for a bit. I read my Kindle. We went swimming again, this time we went further out. He got scared when a wave knocked me over but he felt safe out there with me. He played some more and then we went swimming one more time. It was getting to be about 5 p.m. and I thought we should get a move on. He wanted to stay so I thought about getting a hotel in Daytona. While trying to arrange it he went to rinse sand off and got lost. I was scared but found him. We went to rent a hotel room, I took a shower and then we went to find dinner. We really couldn't find anywhere so we figured we would order pizza at the hotel but the hotel just didn't feel right. I didn't feel safe so we checked out and got back on the road. We drove to South Carolina leaving us 12 hours of driving on Tuesday. We checked into a Best Western and were both out pretty quick. Love ya guy!

Sunday 31st

2011-05-23T17:41:00.002-04:00

We started the day with catching up, Tanis did homework and I did work. Tanis and Kellie finished first so they went to the pool, I joined them a little later. Before joining them I found out that the launch had been pushed further back and would not happen on Monday. I told them the news. We swam for a couple of hours and then headed back to the room. We took Kellie to the airport and dropped her off. Tanis wanted to go to mini-golf so we did. We went to Blackbeards, which was of course pirate themed. Tanis chose the hard one, I got par, he didn't. It was a lot of fun, at the end they gave him a goody bag with a pirate hat, eyepatch, and flag. We then went back to Universal to buy a hat I wanted to get. At this point things had caught up to me and I had replaced the launch with this hunt for a hat. Well I didn't get the hat I wanted and the hat I did get was too small. We did buy some other souvenirs, but he didn't want to eat at Bubba Gumps, so we went back and ordered pizza. We tried to swim but we both had a bit of a sun burn so the only thing that felt good was the hot tub. We went back to the room and slept. Love ya guy.

Saturday 30th

2011-05-23T16:07:00.002-04:00

Okay, on Friday I had a little bit of an idea to send Kellie home on Sunday and Tanis and I could stay and see the launch Monday morning and then head back. Mom had looked into some flights and sent me info on them. I booted up my computer and did some surfing. I decided in for a penny in for a pound and decided to buy her a ticket. They had went swimming for a bit to give me time to think. I then went to the front desk and extended our stay a few more days. Shortly after I got back they got back. Tanis was happy with the decision and we had another day as a family to do something. We needed to do some laundry if we were going to stay a couple of extra days, so we loaded in the car to go find a store. Kellie hit the shopping tab in the GPS and an option called Disney Marketplace came up. So you know where we ended up. We started the day at a restaurant called T-Rex. It was of course a dinosaur themed restaurant. All kinds of animatronic dinosaurs decorated it, the ceiling would go through a color change as the volcano erupted. Tanis loved every minute of it. The atmosphere was awesome, the food was okay. Our next stop was the Lego store, every current Lego set was in this store. All kind of place to build things, including racers, and computers to help you design a Lego creation. You could buy bricks by the cupful. Tanis made 3 minifigures, and Kellie got a Dobby key chain. I didn't get anything, but was very tempted by the DeathStar. We went to the Disney Store and bought some souvenirs, lets face it we went to a lot of stores and bought several things. The highlights being the art store (Kellie loved it) and Goofy's candy shop (we all loved that). We went back to T-Rex so Tanis could do a Build-a-Dinosaur. We ate dinner at the hotel restaurant. We went swimming again. Then bed. Love ya guy.

Friday 29th

2011-05-23T15:50:00.002-04:00

We got up and loaded the car. We started on our way to Nasa. We were making good time until we were 7 miles away and then traffic slowed way down. It took about 15 minutes to go 5 miles, and then we found out that not everybody had the parking pass they needed. We got past that check point and found a parking space. There were only a couple of rows after our car, so we had a long hike. I put you in a spot so you could see the launch, we grabbed our chairs and some water and headed toward the center. Our tickets were for the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Center. We had to go through security, metal detectors, and then get our chairs searched. After all of this we needed to use the bathroom. During our bathroom break Tanis and Kellie heard the launch had been scrubbed. At this same time I dropped my I Pod in the toilet (freshly flushed), it turned on at first but a little later wouldn't turn on. We verified that it had been cancelled and they would give us more information later. I offered to take the chairs back to the car so I could have some time alone. When I got back to the car I told you that the launch had been cancelled, and I thought about hiding you somewhere where you could watch all of the launches. When I got back Tanis was playing in the play area and Kellie was reading. We grabbed lunch and then took in the Visitor Center. A lot of people had left so we had the place to ourselves (mostly). They rode the launch simulator, and we toured a shuttle. We ended up going to a special Lego thing where we had an hour to build something space related. Once built they put them in the middle of the room so everyone could see. I built a space ship, Tanis built a robot factory, and Kellie built a house for the Astronauts. We met a guy who actually designs the Lego sets (this wouldn't be our only Lego adventure) but Tanis wasn't that impressed. We bought some souvenirs, and made some squished pennies. Before we left they had announced the problem was with a hydraulic heater and it would have at least a 72 hour delay. We left, but decided not to go straight back. We found a marshy type tidal pool and walked around a bit. It wasn't quite what we wanted to show Tanis as the ocean, but it was the closest we had come (so far). We ended up in Titusville and were very hungry, we found a restaurant call El Leocinto (the lion). We drove past it but Kellie and I both thought it sounded good and it was. The fajitas were awesome but the Churros were filled with a vanilla cream at least the one Kellie let me have was. We went back to the hotel and swam for a little while then off to bed. Love ya guy.

Thursday 28th

2011-05-06T17:36:00.003-04:00

Up around 8, the plan was to go to Universal. We all got dressed and ready. We hit Golden Corral for a big breakfast and then went to Universal Studios. It turns out they have 2 parks but we wanted the Islands of Adventure so Kellie and Tanis could go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Of course Harry Potter was all the way in the back. We started walking back towards it but did some looking around a Seuss world. But our destination was set, and eventually we saw the Hogsmeade sign and the train. A lot of shopping and looking ensued. The first ride Tanis was not tall enough for, that was the Dragon Challenge. We then went to Ollivanders and waited for the wand experience, this was really lame. 36 people get to go in, one person gets to interact and it is basically the scene from the movie. We did buy wands and what not. We had those sent to the front of the park so we didn't have to carry them all day. We then went to the Forbidden Journey which takes you through Hogwarts. I was too big to ride but toured Hogwarts with them. Once they got off that they rode the flight of the hippogriff. We then had lunch at the three broomsticks. It was good, they both had a frozen butter beer that was pretty tasty. I had purchased Pumpkin juice that was OK but not for the price. We ended up in Jurassic park next. Tanis got to see a Raptor hatch, he did think it was real and may still think that. They rode a smaller kid ride that was a Pteradon hanging roller coaster. We then went to toon town and they road a log flume and we went back to Jurassic Park and they rode the water ride there. Our next stop was hero world where they rode the spiderman ride, and the Tanis and I rode Professor X's storm machine (we defeated Magneto) They rode two more things in Seuss land and we toured the Hogwarts castle again. A few more souvenirs, and then we picked up our purchases and headed out of the park. The best money spent that day was the extra $5 for preferred parking. We went back to the hotel and Tanis opened his chocolate frog took a couple bites and then fell asleep before our pizza was delivered. To bed. Love ya guy.

Wednesday 27th

2011-05-06T17:14:00.002-04:00

DRIVING DAY! I got up at 4:15, Kellie and Tanis got up a bit later. Our goal was to leave by 5, but it was more 5:15. We made our first stop in Byesville Ohio. We had breakfast at McDonalds, by that we got out used the bathroom ordered and got back in the car to drive and eat. Our next stop was for gas in Mossy West Virginia. Bathroom and gas, I bought Kellie a little bottle of Coke for her and Tanis. Next stop was in Virginia or North Carolina I am not sure which. It was a fast food joint that had a very interesting menu, a corn dog was considered a side dish. We got food, shakes, and a toilet break. Next stop was for Gas in South Carolina. Bathroom and gas. We were making pretty good time, we made it to Florida by around 7 p.m. We had decided we would stop and eat at a sit down restaurant. We ate a place called Boston's it was good but took longer than we wanted it to. This was in Jacksonville. We ended up stopping for gas one more time. By this point Tanis had fallen asleep. We got to Orlando and our hotel around midnight. Carried in a minimum of clothes took a shower and went to bed. 18 hours in a car is a long time. Love ya guy.

Tuesday April 26th

2011-05-04T17:35:00.002-04:00

Everyone dreads that day before their vacation. Tanis was squirmy at school, Kellie was too. Tanis had Scouts and play practice afterward. He was promoted from Tiger Scouts to Cub Scouts that night. Me I took a few ups and prayed not to get a late customer. On my way home I called mom to talk about the trip and pass the time. My car had been making funny noises when it decelerates, but I thought it was the tires as I had missed a rotation and they couldn't be rotated because they had been driven too far, so during the conversation it made a more horrible noise and I thought something was wrong. I'll have it looked at after the trip I thought since we were driving Kellie's Jeep anyway. Well about a mile from home it made an even worse noise and then didn't continue forward I had busted a universal joint and had half my drive train hanging down. Bad omen or whatever I called Kellie and she called a tow truck. We got behind in packing and got to bed late, but it didn't change the plans to leave at 5 a.m. Wednesday....Love ya guy.

Houston Let's Talk About Last Week

2011-05-04T12:31:00.003-04:00

Well, on April 5th my coworker Ray told me the shuttle launch had been postponed and would not be going up on 19th like scheduled. Instead it would launch on the 29th, the week after his spring break. At first I was really bummed. Mom said it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I should take Tanis out of school to see it. Kellie agreed, so during his spring break he and I played video games for four days. The postponement meant Kellie could go with us. But because Kellie and Tanis were going we had to plan a day to go to Harry Potter at the Universal theme park. So the new plan was to drive all day Wednesday 27th, do Universal on Thursday, and see the shuttle on Friday. I am going to do a few posts detailing each day as I remember them. Before we went we had to book a hotel, we found a time share called Westgate Lakes Spa and Resort on hotel.com. It looked nice and wasn't too expensive so we booked it. Finding a hotel was causing a lot of anxiety for Kellie and me. So it was all booked, hotel, launch tickets, and what to do each day. Now we had to wait. Tuesday the 26th showed up.....Love ya guy.

Houston We Have A Plan

2011-04-04T16:19:00.002-04:00

Friday night we ordered tickets to view the Space Shuttle launch. Tanis and I will head out Sunday before and be ready to see it. I haven't booked our hotel yet. We are excited about making the trip. You will be going with us, but I don't know if I will be able to take you inside, but I will have you in the car. I plan on turning a wheat penny into a squished penny souvenir. We will have one full day and two half days to find other things to do I hope to show him a tidal pool like you did for me. Love ya guy.

Your Dream My Possible Reality

2011-04-01T17:35:00.002-04:00

Tanis and I are considering going to Florida to see a shuttle launch. There are only 2 more planned and this one is during his spring break. Everyday I get a little closer to saying okay. There is a lot of planning to it, but sometimes you have to say "screw it" and go after what you want. I have heard from several people that it is unforgettable. We will have to stay in Orlando, and I am trying to figure out tickets to the launch. I will take you if we go. Love ya guy.

It is not that....

2010-11-16T16:56:00.003-05:00

I don't have anything to say. I just can't always find time and I don't like to do it during work hours, but I work a lot of hours. I will try to do better with posts. What hasn't happened since my last post? Well here in a nutshell is the order of events:

1. We had the summer party, it was a lot of fun as usual. Beautiful weather and great food.

2. Vacationed in Michigan. Stayed up at Aunt Janis's cabin. Took mom to Duck lake on her birthday, thought it was cool to see where you took the picture. Kellie and Tanis went on their first dune ride and had a lot of fun.

3. Spartan football started the season 8 and 0 and are tied for first place in the Big Ten.

4. Halloween came and went. We carved pumpkins.

5. Tanis Celebrated his 7th birthday at Kalahari. We had a lot of fun. Mom and Alex came down for it. My family all rode several water slides and had a lot of fun. Tanis had his first piano recital.

6. Your 3 year anniversary came and went and I feel some of the pain has lessened. I am ready to let some of the things I was holding on to go.

I want to talk more. I need guidance and a friendly ear. I will miss you next week every time I go out to the grill. Love ya guy.

Deck Update

2010-08-03T14:16:00.002-04:00

I have been working on this thing for a month now. June 30th I rented the post hole digger. Friday I got the stairs attached. All that is left is to finish the railing and attach a railing to the stairs. Then for bonus points I am going to attach a door to the stairs to keep young ones safe. It has been a hard job and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone but perseverance has seen me through (mostly). Love ya guy.

Happy Birthday

2010-08-03T14:01:00.002-04:00

Kellie shared a post of her happiest birthdays, but I decided to share the history of game consoles I have gotten for my birthdays.

The First one I remember was back when I turned 14 (I believe). That was the year I wanted an Atari 2600 so bad. I unwrapped my resent to find a Commodore VIC 20. A bit of a let down, but it had cartridges and games and I learned how to program in basic. This was a gateway computer as I would own the Commodore 64 (hey in the 80's who didn't) and the Amiga 500. It was fun but not quite what It thought I was getting.

A couple years later I got a Vectrex for my birthday. This was an all in one console and I am sure most people have never heard of it. It was on clearance and I talked my mom into it and several games. Short lived fun.

The next one was in 1992, my first year at Cedar Point. I got a SUPER NINTENDO for my birthday. This is probably my favorite birthday console present and I still have it to this day. In fact just a couple of weeks ago I beat Yoshi's Island again. My son loves playing all of the games on it That first summer my roommates and I played the heck out of F-Zero shaving 10th of a second of each others time.

A couple of years ago Kellie and Tanis bought me a Nintendo DS. A year later Tanis would get his own for Christmas. As a family we have had a lot of fun playing games oddly enough Brain Age has been our favorite. The DS is a great system and I like the versatility. I love the old school games best though.

This year Kellie and Tanis bought me a PS3. I haven't hooked it up yet as I promised myself I wouldn't play it until the deck was done. Will this unseat the SNES? Only time will tell.

Now as a side note for those of you who know me...Yes I have owned other systems, but most of those have been Christmas presents or just because they were in stock (N64 and Wii are good examples of this). love ya guy.

I wish I could....

2010-07-10T15:22:00.009-04:00

Blame the meeting this morning for why I didn't workout or work on the deck but the truth was it was nice and cool and the bed felt too comfortable. I did both yesterday and am on target to have the deck going on tomorrow. Today has been a bit weird, we had a short meeting and traffic has been a little slow at the store. Tonight I am going to catch up on the deck but also cook fish and chips for Kellie and Tanis. The deck is going to look a little funny in spots but will be strong.

The LeBron nonsense has come to an end mostly. He is leaving Cleveland and going to Miami. I know you would have ripped him for the way he did it, and he really did make an ass of himself. He also has tarnished his legacy or as I said he went from being king of Cleveland to queen of Miami. I guess Izzo made a great choice not going to Cleveland, although I believe that is why he chose the way he did. Love ya guy.

2 Days......In A Row?

2010-07-08T14:13:00.002-04:00

I didn't have time to work out this morning, but I did have time to work on the deck. I started by sorting the wood and getting all the boards I needed which were near the bottom of the stack. I then framed the main part. I have to finish securing the rest of the frame and make some adjustments. I made the mistakes I knew I made but I think I can make most of those disappear with the actual decking. My next biggest concern is the stairs. I don't think I will be able to attach them where the plans say to, nor do I think I want to attach them there. But I don't really have to worry about the stairs until next week. I hope to have at least one of the planks attached by Sunday (hopefully all of them). Next week will be the rails and the stairs. After the stair are done I will have to come up with a gate but if I can build a deck I can build a gate. My family has enjoyed the pool regardless, the deck will just make it that much more. Tanis is getting very good at swimming and diving.

Ok, I need to vent. I do not care where LeBron James goes just as long as he decides and I don't have to listen to it anymore. It has been non-stop. I think you would have been annoyed by this but probably would have asked me about the local perspective which seems to be stay or go just decide.

Mom is holding it together but I know she is very concerned and I feel bad because there isn't really anything I can do. I hope something changes so she can retire at some point but the stress now has postponed that.

A customer of mine does art restoration and pointed me in a direction to get the Poe lithograph restored. She told me to look into it's value first as Poe stuff is highly sought after right now. I never even thought it could have some value but I do want to get it re-inked if I can. I wish I remembered more about what you said about the print. I also thought about the cigar box lids you used to have and wonder what ever happened to those, I always thought those were pretty cool. Love ya guy!

Back to basics

2010-07-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

A lot of time goes between posts! I forget the main reason i started this blog was to have conversations with you. I miss you and know that a lot of the family could use you right now. Things are kind of crazy for mom but I respect her for what she does. the two of you taught me never to turn my back when someone needs help. We all have been hurt by this but know to do the right thing isn't easy. Okay so I am dodging details to keep the peace but I want to thank you for the lessons you taught me. I am still struggling with the final lesson and do not know why I can get focused on getting healthy.

So, lets catch up. A week ago I rented a post hole digger and started to build a deck for my pool. It is going okay but it would help if I could learn to cut a straight line. I have a target of next Sunday for the deck to be finished. I could have used some advice for building it but my boss Joey has been helpful in his suggestions.

Tom Izzo says Michigan is his home and he will stay there.

Work has been crazy a lot of people on vacation so a lot of extra work.

Last week I got a Tempurpedic bed and am trying to get used to it. So far it has been okay but not 100% yet.

Today I found one of the accessories for my Hummer that I have wanted and it is very affordable. I hope to be able to order it by the end of the month, it is a chrome Hummer emblem for the front of the car.

Tanis is doing well and has started riding grown up roller coasters this year. So far he has ridden the: Gemini, Magnum XL200, Wild Cat, Blue Streak...I think that is it so far. He liked them all but his favorite is the Wild Cat (mainly because he has wanted to ride that one for years).

Our party is planned for August 8th and we are looking forward to it. Kellie is trying to paint the outside the house in time for the party but heat and weather have wreaked havoc with her plans.

For Fathers day mom sent me a card that you had bought. It was a very bittersweet moment, a flood of emotions. It was like having you there for a moment. Father's day was amazing because we went fishing and Tanis actually caught 2 blue gills and I caught nothing. He had a blast and told mom all about it. Love ya guy.

Tom Izzo

2010-06-08T11:44:00.001-04:00

Tom Izzo is being courted by the Cleveland Cavaliers, as of this post he has not decided yet. I will not be happy about this. The Red Wings were knocked out in the second round of the Cup. The Tigers are doing okay. Love ya guy.

New Post....A New Begining?

2010-06-08T10:50:00.003-04:00

It is not that I haven't had anything to say. I have been in a funk and surrounded by people in a funk. I have tried to stay positive, but I haven't really exercised for a week and a half. I don't know why I find the need to sabotage myself. I make some real headway and then I lose my way. I find myself looking for something again. I don't know what it is but as usual I turn to food. One more this one more that it will fill the emptiness. It never does. I have had a lot of loss in my life and am not sure I am strong enough. We should be having another baby any day now but that didn't turn out. I should be able to talk to you face to face but that didn't turn out. This past weekend was the second annual memorial golf outing for you, I was not able to go but I am not sure I could have done it. I keep telling myself I forgive you but some days it is very hard. The thing you could have done for me I can't do for my son. At some point this is going to have to change or I will be gone. I guess this is a little heavier than I wanted it to be, but I really need to find a place to express myself. So much crazy is going on right now. Love ya guy.

Sparty

2010-04-05T11:53:00.001-04:00

Saturday was the final four game and Sparty lost. It was a BAD game and we deserved to lose, but I am proud they made it to the final four. The Red Wings are struggling for a playoff spot. The Tigers start the season today against the Royals. And the Pistons are rebuilding I guess. Love ya guy.

Forgiven

2010-04-05T11:46:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was Easter. It was another holiday I didn't get spend with you. I had finished reading The Shack a couple of weeks ago and this post has been brewing since. I realized I needed to forgive you for leaving me. That is the real anger I have, I am mad that you left me. I really do forgive you and when I say it out loud I feel better. I really do forgive you, and I know I will see you again. I will get by without you physically being here. Once I let the anger go it was amazing to feel the happy memories. I also forgave God yesterday for taking the children away from Kellie and me. It feels strange to forgive God but I don't want the anger anymore. I want to feel the healing and to know in my heart that there is a good reason that bad things happen. I am not going to stop talking to you, but I think I can take the anger out of it now. I do forgive you and I do miss you. Love ya guy.

Which way to look

2010-03-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

Today has been a mildly retrospective day. I have definitely looked back. I viewed pictures of you and had some good memories. But today is one of those days where time doesn't feel linear because at the same time i wondered what my son will think of me. It was amazing last night when I held him and he started to fall asleep in my arms, he hasn't done that in a long time. As I looked around the kitchen and saw my family and my house I realized why I do what I do. See yesterday was an extremely draining day. Work kicked my ass and I was down but my family made me happy quickly. This was an older post I never published. Love ya guy.

Luck?

2010-02-11T15:46:00.003-05:00

This winter I have had major luck with the snow blower. My snow blower has started the first pull all winter long and that has never happened before. Thank you if you are helping with that. We have been hit with a lot of snow the last couple of days and with the wind the snow has piled up. On Saturday I was reminded that God is there if you ask. I ended up in a ditch and was getting really frustrated and I was about to loose it when I yelled out " God help me." A couple minutes later a pick up truck stopped and offered to help pull me out. Love ya guy.

Happy Belated Birthday

2010-02-09T17:41:00.003-05:00

Although I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. You would have been 62 this past Saturday. This year I didn't see anything to buy you like I have in the past. At Christmas the Chow Chow calendar still crosses my mind. I am amazed when I tell people that you would have been 62 and they reply that it is young, dying at 59 was young. I want to celebrate your life and all that you have accomplished. I am letting my anger toward you go. I need to change for my son and I have decided to make that change. I know I have talked about this before and I still have a strong desire to eat when I get stressed. I have to work on making a fundamental change. I need to talk to you more often. I am watching the snow pile up outside the window and can't help but think of the trip mom is on. She was near the shuttle when it launched and I know she was thinking of you. I am making myself sad right now so I think I am done for today, love ya guy.

A New Hope

2010-01-02T15:46:00.002-05:00

A new year has started. I hope that this year can bring some changes. I hope this year to be less angry with you and myself. I hope to change my weight situation. I hope to forgive you. I hope to get out on the golf course this year. I hope to be able to ride some coasters at Cedar Point. I hope to celebrate a Spartan bowl victory (today). I hope to learn more patience. I hope to love with all my heart and put myself out there totally. I hope for a lot of things, but am not convinced that anything has really changed but the calendar. We all have grand dreams and some of mine included you being here for a long time. i always dreamed of going on the Canada fishing trip with you and maybe Tanis as well. I know mom dreamed about a lot of thing with you. I think this year will be a good year for us all. I think we will all continue to grow. I promise this year to not forget but to work very hard to forgive. I promise to weigh less next week than I did this week, and even less the following week and on and on. I promise to let you play with any of clocks but if you could stop getting the cuckoo 15 minutes fast I would appreciate it. Love ya guy.

How Does It Feel?

2009-12-29T17:40:00.002-05:00

Feelings....We get asked about our feelings all of the time, but I am not sure I understand what they are anymore. Your passing brought on a flood of them, sometimes all at once. We learn as a child what happy and sad are, angry, jealousy and such, but are we ever really aware of what they are? My angry may be different from that of someone else. I have really been struggling with my feelings because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. It has been 2 years what should I feel now? A Facebook post to my friend Amanda's account almost made me cry, but hell some animated Christmas specials almost did the same. I looked for my Christmas spirit, I felt it but was never sure I really had it. I guess that is what is going on. I feel but I don't. I feel sad about you and then I shut it off. The problem with shutting off emotions and feelings is that you have to shut them ALL off. The same is true when you turn them back on. Am I depressed? Of course I am! Most of the time I feel nothing. I just bounce day to day through my life. Food doesn't taste how it should, fun doesn't last like it should, and time just slips by. Mom visited on Christmas and I don't think i spent more than 1/2 an hour talking to her. Find ways to stay busy and not confront what bothers me. You aren't the only thing that bothers me, but your passing came at the extremely wrong time in my life. You had no right to do that to me. I have no right to use you as an excuse. Can things change? They have to. I love my wife and son, but if I don't change I will die, if I don't change they will leave. When we go out the 2 of them are always off without me and I know it is because I can't keep up with them physically, but also I am distant emotionally. I don't get to spend time with me son. He has already grown a lot and I have missed it. I don't know how to spend time with him, I don't know how to spend time with my wife. You were supposed to be there for me when I needed you and I need you now. You didn't teach me how to care for my family just how to provide for my family. I don't know what the normal way to feel, but I am pretty sure it isn't tired and angry. People tell me to be happy when I actually am happy and then I have to question if I understand what happy means. What am I supposed to feel now?

Spartan

2009-11-20T19:00:00.002-05:00

Are a mediocre football team but is now bowl eligible. The basketball team starts the season ranked 2nd in the nation. On the professional side the most boring football game of all time will be played this Sunday Lions VS. Browns. Love ya guy!

Response

2009-11-20T18:50:00.002-05:00

My wife was brutally honest lately about how the mis-carriages have affected her so I am going to try and address that as well. I miss you now because I don't know how to react to this situation. We have been through them before and as always I am torn. i want to grieve but know I need to be strong for her. I want to I want to yell and be mad but at whom? This one hurt even more because like Kellie I felt this one would be different. We both felt it was our daughter in her womb. I let myself dream of days that fathers share with their daughters, what it would be like to walk her down the aisle things like that. I let myself dream and now my dream is gone. I am truly thankful for my son and my wife but at times like these it becomes so hard not to feel angry and hurt, to not long for what should be and to not feel like the universe has f***ed me. Okay, that is the most self pity I will allow. I am truly blessed, i have a job, food, shelter, clothing, and a family that loves me. I know God has a plan for all of us but I can't help but agree with Kellie when she said God is mean sometimes. It is a simple statement but we all feel our fathers are mean sometimes when he really knows better than we do what we need. Love ya guy!

Demons

2009-11-20T18:41:00.002-05:00

I have had several beginnings for this post, several thoughts and basically a pretty rough month since we last talked. I was not able to go visit on the 2nd. I did go visit this last Monday, and we did go to your grave. I don't know what i am supposed to feel at times like this. I feel the full range of emotions, but that is not what i took from this last visit. I couple the visit with what I saw on the biggest loser the other night and have been seeking an epiphany. So far it hasn't come but I did have a start to one. In the show one of the trainers said you can't lose weight unless you know why you gained it to begin with. I am still looking for the main reason I turn to food so I can get my head straight, but I know your death has affected me recently. I am depressed because of your passing. I am mad that you left. I am sad because you aren't here. I am angry because of the pain it causes mom and knowing I can't do anything to change that. We all carry demons and those demons are sometimes at the surface and sometimes they are buried. Food is a demon for me. Before you passed I was doing well and I let your passing derail me. I am worse off now than when I started last time, and a lot of the time I just don't care. I am killing myself and I don't care. I am robbing my son of his father and I don't care. This has to change, I have to excise this demon because I am not ready to see you yet. Love ya guy!

Why I Love The Fall

2009-10-09T19:00:00.002-04:00

A lot of people do not like the fall, I am not one of those. A lot of people look at all the green going away as death as a bleak winter gets ready to set in, I don't. I look at Fall as a promise of rebirth. I see the hope that the season truly brings, sure the old falls off and the trees are bare, but that barren look gives a promise of renewal. Winter is the hibernation period, and Spring brings forth the new, but Spring can't happen without Fall. I love the rich Earthy smells the cool crisp mornings that sometimes gives you a glimpse of your breath. The waters seem to run faster, the air is full of scents. Monsters roam on the lose but can't sneak up on you through the leaves. Thanksgiving loams on the outer fringes. Fall is a time of change the colors are painted with the vibrant spectrum of Autumn. We can all hunker down in our cocoons and wait for Spring as we emerge new and ready. Love ya guy!

Sports Updates

2009-10-09T18:57:00.001-04:00

The good: Spartans beat the Wolverines, they almost managed to lose but pulled it off in overtime.

The bad: The Lions lost 48 to 24 to Chicago.

The Ugly: The Tigers had a 2 game lead with 3 left to play, they lost 2 games and ended up tied with the Twins. In a one game play off they lost to the Twins in extra innings.

love ya guy!

Hello Back By The Way

2009-10-09T18:56:00.001-04:00

How many times are you going to find a wheat penny in the free penny cup? Love ya guy!

Last weekend

2009-10-01T18:10:00.003-04:00

Mom came down to visit and we had a great meal. Kellie bought some steaks, I bought some shrimp and scallops (I even cooked mushrooms for mom). The steaks turned out great and everybody enjoyed the feast. Mom got a new bed on Monday and then headed home. She isn't a big fan of my H3, it isn't as roomy as the Expedition. It was great to see her. Love ya guy.

Tigers

2009-10-01T18:09:00.002-04:00

Are in first place by 2 games with 3 games left to play. How would you bet? i think no matter who wins it will be one and done in the playoff, but go Tigers. Love ya guy!

Lions

2009-10-01T18:06:00.002-04:00

I told you before that the last regular season win happened the weekend you passed away. They finally won this past weekend. Between last year and this year that is 18 losses plus the year before, kind of crazy, I was sort of hoping for a second no-win season as that would show we excel at sucking. It looks like the Browns may be going after the Lion's record this year. Love ya guy.

Spartans.....

2009-10-01T18:04:00.002-04:00

Well on Saturday the 12th they faced off against CMU and lost. It was sad, but it was not the first time it has happened. We then lost to Notre Dame, although that was a close game, and then lost the following week to Wisconsin. This weekend is UofM, if we can just win that one the season will seem better. Love ya guy.

September 11th

2009-10-01T18:01:00.002-04:00

It was a bad day this year too. I got into an accident taking Tanis to school. The car ended up being totaled, and as far as I know nobody was hurt. The car we hit did go to the hospital but was treated and released. This is embarrassing for me, so I have put off posting. I learned a lot about insurance and car shopping with a time limit. One good thing that came of this was I bought an H3, which I have wanted for a long time. Love ya guy.

What is going on?

2009-09-08T14:10:00.002-04:00

I have really tried to stay to myself politically. I find that most things people either agree or disagree with based on which party is doing it. You know I was brought up in a Republican household and have voted that way for most of my life. The last president Bush really betrayed my trust and I feel sold out America. He introduced a lot of socialist programs including the bailout of several companies. Now the new president has continued with the bailouts. I just don't understand how our society got to the sports team mentality about everything, "I am not going to vote for them because they have an R after their name, or I'll never vote for a Democrat." I think people long to vote for something not against it. We have (almost all of us) become blinded, it is almost as if nothing matters except that your team wins. I feel this has been a plan for a long time keep them in the Coliseum watching the gladiators while we take more power. People were convinced that George W. Bush was the anti-christ and that he would bring about the end of the world. He didn't but he did take some of MY freedoms in the name of National Security. Now the people on the other side are convinced that Barack Obama is the anti-christ and that he will bring about the end of the world. I don't think that is true, but I noticed that he picked up my freedoms that Bush took and didn't give it back to me, and now they are attempting to take more of MY freedoms. I don't want to have to explain to my child or my grandchildren what it was like when we had freedom or try and explain what was so important that I let my freedom go. I am telling anyone who reads this stop with the partisan bullshit, look at both sides and see there is no difference. Find the people who stand for what you believe. This country was founded on Christian ideals and whether or not you are Christian it is hard to argue against those ideals. Do unto others, do not kill, do not steal, basically be nice to each other and help each other. Take care of yourself and others, and when you need it other will take care of you. It has been said our Constitution is outdated and that it needs to be changed. How can you change something that is so inspired? "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It says creator not God so whomever you worship or however you feel we got here understand that we are endowed with these rights. Life isn't fair, if it was I wouldn't be writing in a blog to my dad, but we ALL need to work TOGETHER to make a brighter future for the future generations. I take a lot of crap because I don't necessarily believe that Global warming is caused by man and CO2 emissions, but that doesn't mean I don't think we should take care of our planet and do what we can to make it better, we have been charged to be stewards of our planet. This may be a bit rambling but I have so much running through my head. I want our country to become the Republic it was intended to be. It is amazing that people don't understand the difference. We entrust OUR power to OUR elected government it is not a majority rule. We have a responsibility to speak out when we feel we are not being heard, and we have a bigger responsibility to DEFEND THE RIGHTS of people who are speaking the opposite of what we believe. I actually enjoyed seeing both sides of the health care bill being represented on Facebook last week, at first it bothered me, but I realized that is the first amendment in its simplest form. I don't want to see people go without care for either reason, but it seems to me the argument missed by not giving a solution. It is easy to criticize, lets actually come up with plans. Capitalism can be evil, Socialism can be evil, AMERICA ISN'T EVIL! Let us use our American ingenuity and fix the problem. Let everyone decide to be intellectually honest and admit when they don't know something. Let us become "United under God indivisible with liberty and justice for ALL." Love ya guy!

A Week Goes By

2009-09-03T15:14:00.002-04:00

Very quickly. It is hard to believe it has been an entire week since I last talked to you. Tanis has settled into school and seems to be enjoying it. We are still trying to get our morning routine down, but have the parking lot routine down. He likes to take his lunch, but today was his first purchased lunch so I look forward to talking to him about it. I was doing well working out, but have not for the last 3 days, I don't have any real excuses so I won't try to pass any. We are getting ready for the big sale weekend, but are facing great weather for the WHOLE weekend. We need it to rain one day so people will come in, but I am sure we will do fine. I guess part of the reason I don't update that often is that I really don't do a lot except work, sleep and eat. I was off Monday so after school Tanis and I went to Toys-R-Us to buy some Legos. We went home cooked some sliders built some Legos and sent him to bed. The Tigers are in first place, the Lions won one pre-season game so far and the Spartans start this Saturday. Tanis is playing soccer and seems to like it. Love ya guy!

A New Chapter Begins

2009-08-27T17:17:00.004-04:00

Tanis had his first day of kindergarten today. I am not sure how to feel about it. I can tell you for sure that I felt a major chapter in his life ending. I realized this past Tuesday that it was really the last weekday we could spend the whole day together. I had one of those you can never get the time back moments. It caught me while we were at the zoo that our day adventures have been curtailed. I have to take him to school even if I have the day off. We can't just plan a weekday full of fun, it has to be after school. He is my buddy and now I will not have him with me on those days. It makes me feel sad. I am happy for him a whole new world of wonder has opened for him. He has so many new firsts coming. I had a strange experience dropping him off today. He was trying to get out his door but it was locked he was a little irritated as we had practiced him getting out on his own, he got out and I gave him his lunch. "Bye Tanis I love." "I love you too daddy." "Head down this path to those doors." Slam! He closed the door and didn't look back. He didn't need me, he wanted to start his adventure. I was so proud of him because he is so strong and fearless. I was sad because it didn't seem like he needed daddy anymore. I am slowly becoming dad not daddy, my little boy is getting older everyday. With today and the vacation I think I got an even better glimpse at what it was like for you. To us family really does mean everything, but we aren't very good at making them see it. We show love in some of the wrong ways, we focus on making sure we provide for them but I learned sometimes we just need to get down into the dirt and play. Love ya guy!

Finding A Voice

2009-08-27T16:14:00.002-04:00

I am having trouble finding my voice. I look up to you and you were never in someones face. I know things drove you crazy but I never saw you lose it and go off 9employees and relatives NOT included). I have really wanted to scream lately, so many things are wrong in this world. I have to be reserved on the sales floor, I have to be reserved with my employees, and I get frustrated talking about it at home (a lot of better things to talk about). Mom and I had a political conversation the other day, but it didn't feel right, and I was concerned about going to far, I look forward to our conversations. I don't know how well we would get along now, but I miss sports and political talk with you. I have no idea how the Spartans are supposed to be (I think most years you just told me about 500). The Browns beat the Lions in a pre-season game, but as I like to point out the Lions were undefeated in pre-season last year and look how that turned out. So in the future I may get a little political with you then again maybe not. Love ya guy!

Bad Year For Golf

2009-08-27T16:13:00.003-04:00

Well the golf outing did not happen. The re-scheduled day was shut down for lack of participants, evidently several groups couldn't make it. So I did not golf this year. They claim next year will be bigger and better. I hope so. Love ya guy!

Vacation Debriefing

2009-08-26T15:58:00.002-04:00

I had a lot of fun on my vacation. We as a family saw a lot. We packed a whole lot into those days. It was a lot of driving and by the end we were all ready to come home. I had a lot of fun reliving things from my childhood. I remember staying at KOA, and they really haven't changed that much. One had an arcade that had games from when I was a kid. It was fun to explore with Tanis. He likes to look for things and make games out of everything. The one morning we let Kellie sleep in he just played in the dirt. He had a lot of fun even if Kellie didn't approve (to be fair he was barefoot and in his pajamas). For me the fun was seeing my family have fun. It was a lot of driving which does take more out of you then you think. I really wish we could have made the trip without Ditzy but she wasn't that bad and I think it helped her to go. I am glad we went and look forward to another vacation next year, and yes I did slow down and enjoy it. Love ya guy!

Sunday August 9th

2009-08-26T14:26:00.003-04:00

We woke up (around 5 a.m.) to an awesome display of thunder and lightning. The power went out for a little bit in the campground and lightning struck fairly close to us. Eventually the storm subsided and we slept a little bit longer and got up. I offered to pay for another day and we could head home on Monday, but Kellie said no she was ready to go home today. I took down the tent while her and Tanis showered. She finished packing the car and we started our trip home. I wanted them to see Sleeping Bear dunes, so we put it into the GPS and were on our way. We finally got there, but it wasn't what I was thinking about, I was thinking of the dunes at Silver Lake. Kellie and Tanis climbed some of the dunes, and then we took the driving tour stopping at several of the viewing points. We had a good time, but I think everyone was ready to go home. So the GPS took us back through Traverse city and then south and east. We made decent time and got home around 8 pm. I picked up the other 2 pugs and we had pizza for dinner. We started on the mountain of laundry and talked a lot about our trip. Love ya guy!

Saturday August 8th

2009-08-26T13:37:00.003-04:00

We woke up to rain. It was coming down fairly hard, and had started to come into the tent. I went outside and started to stake down the rain fly. I got soaked in the process but figured I deserved it for not doing it before. The rain had pooled up on the fly and was causing some havoc, but we were able to get it tied down. We all got up and dressed and I decided since we were rained out I would buy breakfast. We looked for a local diner, but ended up at the Cracker Barrel. After breakfast we decided to head to Charlevoix anyway as that was our plan before we left home. Charlevoix was having an art fair with over 150 artists. We got down to the art fair to find out that no dogs were allowed in the park that day. We took Ditzy for a little while, but I was uncomfortable with breaking the rules, so Kellie took Ditz out and I walked through part of it with Tanis. We traded off a couple of times and we were able to take in the whole art fair. It did rain a little on us, but the day stayed mostly dry. We walked around Charlevoix for awhile and took in some shops. We bought some taffy and some cherry inspired soda (a cherry ginger ale and cherry root beer). We walked back to the car and started to search for a potty. We stopped at McDonalds and took care of things and bought some food to tide us over. We then headed back to Traverse City. We stopped at the roadside stand selling raspberry pies but they had sold out of all of their pies. We then went to the Stained Glass factory and met a really friendly person. We looked around his store and found a lot we wanted, but only purchased a couple of small things. He recommended a restaurant called Sleders for dinner. Sleders is one of the oldest bars in Traverse city and they have a moose that you are supposed to kiss and something cool is supposed to happen. We ordered dinner and Kellie and Tanis kissed the moose but nothing happened. I had a lot of fun teasing them about being moose kissers. Dinner was good and we headed back to the tent and went to bed. Love ya guy!

Friday August 7th

2009-08-26T13:29:00.003-04:00

On Friday we broke camp and headed towards Traverse City. We made a stop in Petoskey to look for stones. Petoskey had changed a lot. Finally we found a beach and went looking. We found a few that weren't very good examples. Tanis and I had fun throwing the rejects into lake Michigan. As we headed off to the car I found a great example so we kept that one and a few others. We stopped for a potty break at a grocery store. We bought a spatula so we could cook burgers that night and a hand held broom for sweeping out the tent. We passed a lot of roadside stands promising cherry pies and one offered raspberry pie. We were very tempted, but kept on going. We finally made it to KOA. We set up camp, and while putting up the tent I commented we should stake down the rain fly, but then we decided not to. I REALLY wanted a pie so I headed back down the road to buy one. I bought some dried cherries, chocolate covered dried cherries, a cherry pie and a small loaf of zuchini bread. I went back to the camp and started wrestling with the fire. I had three logs that were COMPLETELY black but now flame, finally it caught and I was able to cook dinner. We had cherry pie and the Tanis and I got dressed to go swimming in the pool. Ditzy watched us while Kellie read. We swam for close to an hour, and then Kellie and Tanis played with the big chess set. We went back and had pie and played Uno and then we all went to bed. Love ya guy!

Thursday August 6th

2009-08-20T14:04:00.002-04:00

Okay so I implied something about Ditzy....Well all of the crusts she was fed made her throw up and of course she got it all over the sleeping bag. So here was my second morning in a row starting out at the KOA laundramat. I had been requested to make bacon and eggs for breakfast, so once the washing machine started I spent time getting the fire going and more time and more time. Eventually I got the fire started (a little tip if you want a fire proof house build it out of wood from KOA) and put up the cooking surface got out the fry pan and asked about utensils, well because I didn't tell her to pack any my wife didn't. So how am I going to cook bacon and eggs? The bacon was easy, and then I got a great idea, I took the bacon off the fire and put the pan on the picnic table, I had already cracked open the eggs and placed them in a cup, I drained the grease off and started the eggs cooking. I was able to use a regular spoon to stir the eggs and that was how I pulled it off. Because today was supposed to be a travel day I hadn't made any plans and we had asked people via Facebook what we should do. Mom and one of Kellie's friends recommended Sea Shell City and Tanis thought that sounded fun so after the sleeping bag was done in the wash we loaded the car and head out on an adventure. Sea Shell City was interesting...So we bought a couple of souvenirs including the giant jellybeans that look like rocks, I remember having them on my 5th birthday cake after Pike's Peak. We decided to head to St. Ignace next, where we stopped at Indian Village. Kellie really wanted moccasins so we bought those and Tanis got a toy slingshot. I had posted on Facebook recommendations for pasties and Mitch had been the only one to respond so I took his suggestion and we ended up at a roadside stand that didn't have anywhere to sit so we got our pasties and ate in the car. They were great, but didn't have gravy. I bought the recipe for $5.00 and plan on having a pastie party. So we had only wasted part of the day and I had an idea about where to go, I had seen signs for the Soo locks but the one I decided on was Tahquamenon Falls (I will simply say the falls from here on out). We got to the falls and decide to start with the lower. It had a very nice board walk to it, about 1/3 of a mile. We got out there and saw people playing in the water and being a bit dangerous. We did not play in the water but did some hiking. We briefly talked about the full 5 mile hike to the upper falls. We spent a lot of time here, and 2 squished pennies were purchased. We then decided to start heading back (we were about an hour and a half away). On the way back our GPS kept showing these little roads that you could see, but they weren't much more than a 2 track. Kellie wanted to take one so we did. It was fun up until the shrubs were growing in the way. Her Jeep is trail rated and the GPS knew where we were but the 1/4 tank of gas made me nervous, so we linked up with the next "road" and headed toward blacktop. We stopped in Mackinac city where we shopped around. We bought an Uno deck since we forgot ours and a Scrabble card game (plays like seven card draw). Kellie bought some popcorn, we bought fudge and then ordered BC's Pizza for dinner. It was good pizza the sauce was a little sweet and a little sparse for my taste but that meant Kellie liked it even more. We ate dinner in the tent turned out the lights and went to sleep. Ditzy managed not to do anything to the sleeping bag. I think because of the relaxing nature of the day, and all of the adventuring this ended up being our favorite vacation day. Love ya guy!

Wednesday August 5th

2009-08-19T12:34:00.002-04:00

So I wake up kind of early. I head off to the shower and check to see if the office is open, it isn't. So I run to a convenience store and buy laundry soap and dryer sheets. I start the morning putting the sleeping bag in the wash with some of our clothes (if you are doing the laundry anyway). I go up to the game room and have a major flash back to when we used to camp, mainly because half of the games are from the 80's. I go and have breakfast at the campsite go back put the stuff in the dryer, and then we start to plan the day. We are going to Mackinac Island, what coupons do we have for the ferry? We settle on the Star Line as we have a buy 2 adults get a child free coupon, and it is my guess they are all about the same. Not knowing what the rest of the trip will entail I decide to catch the ferry from St. Ignace so we can cross the bridge (people not from Michigan might not know when a native says the bridge they mean Mackinaw bridge). Tanis isn't really impressed and wouldn't you know it there is road repair on the bridge. So our timing is right we get there just in time to catch a ferry and I hear for the first time on my vacation the word free, Ditzy rides the ferry for free. I told Tanis she had to be dragged behind the boat like a water skier but mommy steps in and tells him I am teasing (although after the sleeping bag incident it is not that unappealing). We get to the island and start to do touristy things. We buy some fudge and walk the main street. We look around to see what we can see and start to walk down the other side of the street and see the carriage tour. I wait in line to see if Ditzy can go with us and she can AND SHE IS FREE. So we buy tickets as this tour will take us around most of the island and allow us to see most everything. Our first leg takes us down the street after main street and then past the Grand Hotel. We learn some interesting facts and watch as our horses get switched out. We then go to the carriage house where we switch to 3 horse team. It takes us past the graveyards and to the arch. We get out and look at the arch and then go to the fort. We are offered to be able to tour the fort. So we get out and do the fort. Tanis really enjoyed it, and even became an enlisted man and learned to march. The rifle fire scared Ditzy half to death and I think she blames me. I knew it was coming so I tried to brace her, but it was still funny. A lot of the shops and all of the fort was pet friendly so we were able to take Ditzy most places. We caught the carriage back to the starting point and realized we hadn't eaten. This description seems short but we had pretty much passed close to 5 hours by now. We found a restaurant that wasn't pet friendly but had a patio we could sit at, it was a pizza buffet, not the greatest but a real value on the island. We feed Ditzy some crusts as she really hadn't eaten all that much. I tried to warn everyone not to feed her too much but they didn't listen. Tanis had been talking about wanting to go to the haunted house. So I had seen it and we had told him if he was good we would go. So we get there and Kellie is going to stay with Ditz and Tanis and I will go through it. That bummed Tanis out as I think he likes to scare mommy but daddy is a little harder to scare. So we go through part of it and there is a chicken out door that he wants to take. So we get out and he is still talking about Kellie going as well trying to act cool, but he is scared a bit. The clerk gives him a flashlight to use and we decide to go back through it. It is supposed to take about 15 minutes, and we do it in less than 5. We meet up with Kellie and Ditz do a little shopping including a candy store. We started to head back to the ferry, Kellie dug through a pile of clearance shirts finding Tanis one that was a good deal. We all rode the ferry back and crossed the bridge. We bought some firewood and a screen to be able to cook over the fire. We lit a fire and told a few stories. We also decided not to go to Leelanau, but stay here another day and head to Traverse city on Friday. Tanis had purchased another squished penny (I like souvenirs that cost 51 cents). We went to sleep and in the night Ditzy got up but I will tell that story as part of the next day. All in all it was a good time, we enjoyed the island and really got to see a lot of it. it wasn't as fun as the last time Kellie and I had went, it just seemed different and it also seemed rushed. This day had a lot of timed things. Departure times for ferries and carriages. Time for washers and dryers. It wasn't able to take on the relaxed pace, but it already seemed like we had been gone for days. A lot had occurred already. love ya guy.

Tuesday August 4th

2009-08-18T16:47:00.006-04:00

I get up and pack my clothes, which takes a lot more room than I thought it would. Usually Kellie and I share a bag but I don't think that will work for this trip. I get all my stuff packed and then head to the computer hoping to make some reservations for camp grounds, plenty is open for Tuesday and Wednesday, but the weekend is looking like it will be a problem. I know I should have made reservations already but with the party the funds weren't available. So I book Leelanau for Thursday but no other. We are starting to pack the car and time is really starting to slip away I gripe a little at Kellie because I have no idea how long the drive will take. It was my plan to make it to Mackinac today and do the island the next day. The other problem we have is that nobody would take Ditzy so she was going camping with us. I ran and got ice for the coolers, and took the other 2 dogs to Deb and Bills. I guess when we left with the other 2 Ditzy freaked a little and wouldn't let Kellie out of her sight. We still weren't sure that the Jeep was going to work for the trip but taking the tent out of it's box helped a lot. So just before noon we head out (it may have been 11). I put a general address for Mackinac in the GPS and let it route. We stop for gas and hit the road. I relax a bit and decide it is no big deal if we don't make it to Mackinac today, but plan on doing some tourist things. One of our first options is Bronners Christmas World (Tanis and my first time here). We walk around outside some and then head inside, we drop Ditzy off in the car first (open the roof and the windows) and head in. It was pretty cool. I spend sometime looking around and help buy our first squished penny of the trip. I give Kellie my wallet and tell her and Tanis to have fun but that I wanted to head out to the car and check on Ditz. On the way out I see what I am really looking for.....BROCHURES. I grab a bunch including a KOA. I call the Mackinac city and they have openings, more importantly Traverse city has them for the whole weekend so I make reservations for Traverse city and feel a lot of anxiety lift. Kellie and Tanis come out, Tanis bought a book to hold squished pennies and Kellie bought a thimble. I punch the address into the GPS and realize we can make Mackinac before 8. We stop for gas along the way, and also for cheese. We get there set up the tent and get ready for camping. The tent has a light system witha remote control. The bed has a motor in it, but the battery isn't charged and we don't have c batteries. We fill it until the motor dies. We head into Mackinac City for dinner and find out the whole town basically closes at 10. Out of all we did this meal is the biggest let down. We left a little diner because it was so close to closing and ended up at the Dixie Saloon, both of us had fish and chips that were definitely overpriced. We go back to the camp go to sleep. We roll out Tanis's sleeping bag and Ditzy promptly goes over and pees on it. She had all kinds of chances to potty elsewhere but does it there instead. We figure out arrangements and go to bed. It gets fairly cold overnight but we all make it. Love ya guy

Monday August 3rd

2009-08-18T16:40:00.002-04:00

This should be called what is the worst news. We have been planning a camping trip for this week it is our intention to leave on Tuesday. I told Kellie that she and Tanis should put the tent up the week before so we can air it out and make sure no holes are chewed in it. Well, they got around to it today. The tent isn't chewed up, but all of the poles are missing. So we load up in the car and head to Sams Club to see what kind of tent the have. They have one that can sleep 12 people, as we have very few options we put it in the cart as well as an airbed and some other stuff. We then grocery shop at Wal-Mart and head home. When we get home I am beat but Kellie says she will stay up and pack some and I can help pack in the morning as long as we aren't getting on the road "ridiculously" early like 9 or something. I think 10 is okay so I say that is fine and head to bed. Love ya guy

Sunday August 2nd

2009-08-18T16:31:00.002-04:00

That was the day of our annual picnic. It ended up being a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, the friends were perfect and the food wasn't too bad either. The week before was my birthday and Alex spent the week with us. For my birthday I got a new grill and new grates for my old grill and finally a side fire box. So I seasoned the grates for all of the grills. Attached the side firebox to my old grill and got ready. My new grill is awesome, it is charcoal on one side and gas on the other. I had a little concert going with the grills. My friend Shawn from Cedar Point came up and was helping out on the grill. It was my intention to do the chicken breasts on the old grill using the side firebox, but I didn't have the time. I also didn't plan on using the propane either, but needed to for the corn which turned out great. We had the bounce house and cotton candy and snow cones. Cheri came down with mom even though there was a race scheduled that day. It was a fun day, I think we all stopped to think about you, I know I did. I often wonder if you help with the weather. I have so much to remind me of you, of course I have my Ducks Unlimited spatula. James came to the party as well, he is still hurting from the loss of his dad. I want to be able to tell him it gets easier or fades with time but I can't and I know my friend Amanda still hurts as well. We all miss you guys on days like these, days when we can hear your voice on the wind. Days we can feel the breeze stirring memories long forgotten. I had a real sense of peace this year. I had time to reflect and I could here you say "slow down, enjoy." Love ya guy!

A Litte Catch Up

2009-08-18T16:28:00.003-04:00

It is ironic that the last time I posted was before the golf outing....It was rained out! It is rescheduled for this Saturday. A lot has happened since my last post. I am not sure completely why I haven't posted, part of it has to do with work. So I am back. I am going to do a several posts about my vacation. It was my intent to spend time each day last week doing a flashback to the week before, but I spent a lot of time catching up reports and other things. So I will have a few talks with you over the next few days and then I plan to talk to you at least 3 times a week. Love ya guy!

Golf Outing

2009-06-18T17:41:00.003-04:00

This Saturday the second annual Robert Pancost Memorial Golf Outing will take place. We will win last place outright this year, no tie no sir if you are going to be a bear be a grizzly. Love ya guy.

Chris Osgood SUCKS

2009-06-18T17:35:00.002-04:00

We have had an argument about Chris Osgood. You know I don't like him, you know I don't think he is a very good goalie. Last week Ozzie lost the Stanley Cup at the Joe. I had made a decision if he won it I would concede that he is a decent goalie, but then he blew it. I can hear you in the back of my head....He won three Stanley Cups, he can't be that bad. WRONG. Those teams were better at keeping the puck off that end of the ice. The second period Detroit did just that, keep the puck away from Ozzie so he can't blow it. So now I can rant and you can't stop me from saying that I hate having Chris Osgood in the net for Detroit. Love ya guy!

Some Fun Things Since Then

2009-06-09T17:22:00.002-04:00

On May 16th we went to the Motor City Comic Con again. We met James and had a lot of fun. I have joined facebook and become reacquainted with some old friends. That day I had lunch with Luke Rademacher and dinner with Mitch Cooley and his wife. It was pretty surreal to meet up with people I haven't seen for 20 years or more. I have seen Terminator Salvation which I did not like all that much, and Star Trek which I am still undecided (I think Star Trek would have gotten you to go to the movies). Our pool has a warranty problem which we are waiting to hear from them about (rust spots on a 2 year old pool). Tanis, Kellie and I went fishing 2 Sundays ago where we caught 2 sunfish and a crappie. Last week on her birthday we didn't catch anything. Love ya guy!

Where have I been?

2009-06-09T17:08:00.002-04:00

Jame's dad passed away. I went to the wake and the funeral and spent time talking to him. The funeral was very hard for me, his dad wasn't much older than you when he passed. It just isn't fair to lose people so soon. There is so much more life to experience, and so much more conversations to be had. It really struck me as unfair, and I felt pain for both of us, and I was ashamed for feeling pain for myself. It was my job to be there for my friend, and what I felt was personal. I left early on Friday because I couldn't deal with it. I knew what he would be going through. I knew there was no way to prepare him for the experience except to let him experience it. Some stupid insignificant thing will bring back a flood of memories. What did dad say about this? How would dad feel about that? My anger for you came back, if you had been stronger if you had fought harder...If I had been a better son. I have been putting off this post because I just don't know how to feel anymore. I keep trying and telling myself I am trying when I am not truly trying. Trying to get healthier physically and mentally. Mentally I am still depressed about losing you. I have not had time for that to heal and I compounded it more with my own stupidity. Now the economy is in the shitter, and I am terrified for my job, and a hundred other things. I haven't been talking to God like I should, n fact i have missed church for a month now. I need to workout and diet, but I find excuses. I think that you and I had that talk about there always being a tomorrow, and then I learned that you always don't have a tomorrow. I am not the first nor am I the only one to lose my father, I know it is a club of us, we share unspoken things we wince a little when a friend bad mouths a living parent knowing we would love to have had that fight with our fathers just to be able to share a few more moments. You are gone and yet you are here with me, I feel your presence and I know you have helped to shape my values. I guess the simplest way to say it is I needed some time to be mad at you again. Now I need your help and strength to become better. I know I can not succeed alone, but I know I can succeed. Love ya guy!

Sports Update

2009-06-09T17:06:00.003-04:00

The Wings are in the final round of the Stanley cup playoffs. They can close it out tonight in Pittsburgh. The Tigers are in first place of a very weak division (the Indians are in last). The cavaliers got bounced out of the NBA playoffs and LeBron stormed off like a baby after the loss. You would have hated this past weekend when Tiger went birdie birdie to win the tournament. Love ya guy.

For Fun

2009-06-09T17:04:00.002-04:00

Does anyone even check here anymore? Sorry about not posting but I am sure the other posts filled you in.

Update

2009-04-22T13:26:00.002-04:00

Day 1 of a new 50 day challenge will start tomorrow. Easter cost me some, and last week I found out I either sprained my wrist or tore a ligament. I will find out more about my injury this Saturday when I go back for a follow up. Pistons are getting their butts beat, but the Red Wings are about to sweep Columbus. Love ya guy.

Challenge

2009-04-15T16:44:00.001-04:00

Has stalled, I am still at 21 pounds down, but Easter certainly curtailed my weight loss. I might not make the 100 pounds, but I will still be lighter than when I started. I am in a little funk right now, but will snap out pretty quickly. I hurt my wrist, although I am really not sure how. Easter was a lot of fun. Love ya guy.

Updates

2009-04-07T17:48:00.002-04:00

Last night MSU played in the championship game. Unfortunately they lost. My diet is going okay, I am up to 21 pounds. I am a little behind in my challenge, but after Easter this weekend I think I will gain a lot of ground on the challenge. Love ya guy.

Crazy

2009-04-01T14:31:00.002-04:00

I would love to be able to talk to you now. All of the things going on in the world now. Things are fairly crazy. The president fired a CEO of a private company the other day. We are bailing out corporations left and right and it is just crazy. You had really started to change in your political view those last few years, I would love to hear your take now. I miss you. Love ya guy.

Challenge Week 1 End

2009-04-01T14:29:00.002-04:00

14.4 pounds gone in the first week. Could have been more, but wasn't really good on Saturday or Sunday. I will update you after every Monday. This is a great start because if I can lose 14 every week that will give me the 100. I know I can do it, and it will be good for me and my family. Love ya guy.

MSU update

2009-04-01T14:28:00.001-04:00

Men made it to the final four. The women got bumped out in the sweet sixteen by blowing a lead in the final minute. A national title would be really nice. Love ya guy.

The 50 day challenge

2009-03-25T22:08:00.002-04:00

A few people have told me that it can't be done. If I have learned anything from life it is that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. I have a real plan. Exercise in the morning, stick to my diet, and walk an hour in the store everyday. I am into my second day, and it is going well. I have lost about seven pounds so far. A lot of people think I can't do this, but it is important to understand if I fail that I will still have lost weight and that is good. I will succeed though. One hundred pound in fifty days. Love ya guy.

Sports Update Sweet Sixteen

2009-03-25T22:06:00.002-04:00

Both the men and women Spartans have made it to the sweet sixteen. The women beat Duke in sound fashion, it was very fitting. Love ya guy.

New Bucket List Entry

2009-03-18T13:30:00.002-04:00

See the Red Wings in a playoff game at the Joe.
Love ya guy.

Why Am I Mad?

2009-03-18T12:06:00.002-04:00

The truth is I am mad at myself. I think I have wallowed in self pity for too long. I stopped caring and shut down for a long time. I am mad at you, that hasn't changed, what has changed is I can truly voice it and understand it. I know all about the stages of grief and I have finally accepted your passing. I accept the loss, and accept that it didn't have to happen, but it did happen. I miss you. Anyway these postings will be more often and have a different tone. On Monday march 23rd I am starting a challenge for myself. I WILL LOSE 100 POUNDS IN 50 DAYS. I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for my son so he doesn't have to lose his dad too soon. I will post my progress hopefully everyday if not every couple of days. The challenge will be talked about in each post as well as other things. Things that we would have talked about if you were still here. Love ya guy.

Where am I

2009-03-16T14:14:00.003-04:00

I don't know where I am. It has been a year and a half basically since you passed. I am still mad at you because you just had to pull that line. You couldn't let yourself heal, you robbed me and my son of ever getting to know you. That is why I am mad. You didn't have to die, that facility should have kept a better eye on you, they should have listened to the tube and made sure. You have left an extreme void in my life, and I don't know how to fill it. What I have been doing isn't smart or helping. I don't want to see you for a long time, but if I don't change things I will probably see you soon. I want to talk to you on my terms. I want you to know you are not forgotten, but you left a lot of people with a hole in their hearts where you used to be. I miss you everyday, I think about you in some way everyday. I need to be mad at you for awhile right now, I need to use my anger to snap myself out of my own funk. You are gone, and nothing will replace you and nothing will bring you back. My son will not really remember his grandpa Pancost and any other children I have will never know you. I will be mad at you for awhile. I will never stop loving you, but right now I am choosing anger. Love ya guy.

Spartans won big ten

2009-03-16T14:12:00.003-04:00

The Spartans won the big ten outright, but lost the tournament. The NCAA tournament starts next week. We got a second seed, we could have gotten a one seed if we had won the big ten tournament. Love ya guy.

Early Birthday

2009-02-04T18:11:00.001-05:00

I am giving you an early birthday present. I am going back to PWLC, and sticking to my diet. I will get smaller for my son. I know it is something you wanted to do, but never accomplished. I know that is part of the reason I don't have you in my life anymore. I am giving the gift to my family, but I am calling it your birthday gift. Love ya guy.

Deja Vu

2009-02-04T18:02:00.002-05:00

A few Fridays ago Tanis and i were on our way to spend a fun day together. We had it all mapped out on what we were going to do. It was close to 10 a.m. so the stores were all going to open on time....Then the phone rang. It was the office. Evidently one of the sales associates wasn't able to get a hold of me, and they forgot to call sooner. Change the plans, sorry buddy I got to go to work. I had the worst feeling in the world, I knew exactly how Tanis felt, and now I knew how you felt. I could see that he was disappointed, I could feel the disappointment oozing from the backseat of the car. I tried to make it up to him, but I know that there is no way to make it up, I know all he wants is to spend time with me. I knew because I had been the disappointed kid in the backseat too. I now know that the sacrifices you made for us. I know it is a no win situation. You have to put work first sometimes, not as a conscious choice but sometimes it is the only choice you have. I appreciate all you did for us, and I hope someday my son understands. I hope that he finds himself never having to do it to his son, but that is what a man has to do sometimes. I guess the key is to make enough good memories that the bad ones don''t dominate. Mom talks about not taking many vacations after you opened the shop. I remember enough trips, and I remember the big ones we went on when I was young. I remember little trips that you might not even remember. I remember more good than bad. I still have some bad but the good always win. Love ya guy.

Pride

2009-02-04T17:58:00.002-05:00

Pride come before the fall. We are taught to be ashamed of pride, but you taught me that there are times when pride is important. You were always proud of Lansing, and always wanted the city to succeed. You were always proud of the groups you belonged to: Jaycees, Craftsman etc. You were always proud of Michigan State. You always supported your sports teams no matter how good or bad (usually more bad than good) they were. You made me proud to be your son. Your made me proud of my last name and what it stands for. I hope to teach my son to be the man you taught me to be. Love ya guy.

The Bucket List

2009-01-07T13:59:00.002-05:00

Kellie and I watched the movie the Bucket List Saturday night. it was kind of depressing, and we didn't have the normal conversation of what would be on our bucket lists, since I knew a few of yours I want to share a couple of mine so far.

1. I would like to take formal dance lessons, and take my wife out somewhere where we would actually dance the waltz, or the fox trot or whatever.

2. Skydive (everyone who knows me knows this is something I've always wanted to do).

3. See the Grand Canyon again.

4. Make a difference.

These are a few I have come up with. Love ya guy.

Starting Over

2009-01-07T13:52:00.002-05:00

I have started working out again. I started Monday so today is the 3rd day. I have lost some of my prowess, but I am motivated to stick to it. I need a little extra push with the diet but I am trying. The Spartans lost their bowl game, but the basketball team beat Ohio last night so I have a little bit of sports happiness. Mom and I both had an engine scare with our cars. Mine was an overheating problem that did not cause any engine damage, and mom ended up only needing a $300 repair. We both were afraid we would need new engines. Tanis has started to really get into board games and doesn't want to believe that he is too young for any of them. Love ya guy.

Going Behind Bars For Good

2009-01-07T13:47:00.003-05:00

I have been tapped to spend an hour raising funds for MDA. They are locking me up on January 22nd. Anyone who would like can help me ahead of time by following the link and making a donation. Thank you if you can help.
https://www.joinmda.org/westernreserve2009lockup/pancostmatters2

A New Year

2009-01-01T15:28:00.002-05:00

A fresh year starts today. I think I can come out of my funk now. I am ready to start my diet back up and re-start my workouts. A new year began today. I like the first day of a new year because it gives us an opportunity to look forward. It is a clean slate full of possibilities. I wonder what will happen. What will I see and do. I guess this is the part where i share what I hope to see happen in this next year. I hope to see all of us get serious about getting healthy(mom, Cheri, Alex and I). I hope to take my family on a vacation this year, even if it is only for a camping trip. I hope to become better financially (even though that will be very tough this year). I plan to grow in my faith. I plan to strengthen my marriage, and my family. I hope to increase the size of my family. I hope to start a hobby just for me with just me time involved. I hope to slow time down once in awhile and truly learn to enjoy the moment. I hope to become a better friend, and neighbor. I hope to increase sales and keep my company growing. I hope to talk to you a little more often. I plan on getting my conceal carry permit. I plan on not leaving things unsaid. Love ya guy.

The Lions

2009-01-01T13:37:00.002-05:00

You died Friday Novemeber 2nd, 2007, on Sunday Novermber 4th 2007 the Lions won a football game. That was the last regular season game they have won since you passed. They went this last year 0 and 16. That makes them the worst team in the history of the NFL. Now I don't know what to think of this, but it seems maybe you were a lucky charm for them or something. As I write this the Spartans are playing in their bowl game. They are losing 10 to 6, if you could send them some luck I would appreciate it. I miss you. Love ya guy.

You Can't Go Back

2008-12-22T10:03:00.002-05:00

Last night I took Tanis to Pinball Petes. It is not what it was. i wanted to show Tanis a real arcade, but when we got there it had really changed. They had games that gave out tickets. I felt that it was just wrong. Pinball Petes was always a dark hole in the wall with real games, not a family destination. I guess things continue to change. Love ya guy.

Thinking of you at Christmas

2008-12-18T18:11:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I haven't bought a Chow-Chow calendar in 2 years. You gave me 2 very annoying traits. The first is that I can guess my presents fairly easily, the second is that I am tough to buy for. It became funny to me to keep buying you the calendar and the pistachios. What I truly miss is the fun gift you would pick out for us by yourself. It was always cool and most times useful. The one year you bought the tire iron, I think it is called a diamond because of the four different ends. It seemed weird but I have used it, and still have it. I wanted to buy something for Tanis strictly from me, but the thing i found is not in stock or was dis-continued. I still plan on trying to find something. Being a dad at Christmas makes me want to say thank you, I realize now how much time parents put into a Santa present. I got this years done early, so no late night Christmas Eve. Love ya guy.

Two of Two Posts (heavy)

2008-12-17T18:18:00.002-05:00

The anniversary affected me in a way I didn't expect. I didn't expect to ignore and bottle my feelings. It felt like a scab getting peeled off, all the pain came rushing back. I guess a scab is a good analogy because sometimes the blood helps clean the wound and speed the healing. I have been faced with some pretty heavy questions. Who should we be angry at? When tragedy happens people get angry and they don't know who to be mad at. I found that it is okay to be mad at God because he has the patience and love we need. But I find the angry person is usually mad at themselves. They are mad at missed opportunities and regret. But eventually you have to let the anger go. When you let the raw anger go I think you find a much better question. What are you angry about? It really isn't a who it is a what. People say if I had one more day with them one more minute one more whatever. I don't really believe this anymore. If you had been able to speak what would we have talked about, there is no way to get all the answers in such a short time. I told you I love you, and I know you heard that. We just can't have "another". We will always want just a little bit more. I think that is the source of anger and hurt knowing that we should have been paying attention for a long time and living every minute. Have you ever tried to make sure you always tell a loved one you love them, sometimes life happens and you forget that one time and then that is the last time you ever talk to them. The people who have to keep living carry it like a burden but the people who move on know the love. I believe they tell them that from beyond. I believe you have told me from beyond. The day we interred your ashes you came to visit and said your goodbye, I have never seen a light so bright. I honestly don't have anger, I have come to terms with you passing out of my life to soon. I don't have major regret, just questions. I am not angry at you or God. That is the other thing that has started to change in me, I am finding my faith. It has started as a small ember and I have tried to nurture the flame and let it grow. i have joined a church and was Baptised again. I am finding peace in my faith. Recently I have read two books that have helped me "Christmas Sweater" by Glenn Beck and "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom, both have a great message. One taught me that I can be forgiven if I can learn to forgive myself. The other taught me that our stories are interwoven but we can't always see how. I will try to better at posting. I still have a lot to talk to you about, I still have more healing to go through. I want you to know that I am healing and ready to focus on me for awhile. I will focus on getting healthy, I will focus on my family, and I will make sure my friends and family know I love them even if I forget to say it. Love ya guy.

One of Two Posts (light)

2008-12-17T18:05:00.002-05:00

Well, I never said I was good at this blog thing. At first I just didn't know what to say and then as time drifted on I got a kick out of not putting anything new up. A week became a couple became a month became much more. On the anniversary of your death Kellie and I went through your coin collection. We sorted and sorted some more. We found 48 or 50 steel wheat pennies. It was a lot of fun and seemed fitting. Tanis had his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. That was a lot of fun and has caused many an impromptu game of "Dunk the Alien." (Just go with it.) He got some cool presents for his birthday, but he seemed to like his R2D2 Mr. Potato head. It was my favorite because it doesn't make any noise. He also got a kids version of Yahtzee, the fun thing about that is it is quick. He has really started to like playing board games and feels he is old enough to play any of them. I do ask him sometimes if he remembers you and he always says yes. Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked turkey 3 different ways. One in the oven, one on the grill, and one in the BBQ. All turned out nice. We had so many people we had to set up a second table. Mom and Alex came. The next day we did some shopping, but we didn't go to any of the door busters. The Spartans are playing a New Years Day Bowl Game: Capital One Bowl. The Basketball team is doing OK, their usual rocky start. The Red Wings are doing OK, not setting the world on fire. The Pistons are playing well, but the Cavaliers and Celtics have been on fire. The Lions are having a perfect season, 2 more games to lose to have a perfect season. I used one of your knives last night to help open boxes as I worked on Tanis's Christmas present. Love ya guy.

Sports update

2008-10-30T18:43:00.003-04:00

Spartans defeated the Wolverines this past Saturday. The Wings are off to a decent start. The Lions are looking for their first win of the season. The Pistons won their season opener. Love ya guy.