How Does It Feel?

Feelings....We get asked about our feelings all of the time, but I am not sure I understand what they are anymore. Your passing brought on a flood of them, sometimes all at once. We learn as a child what happy and sad are, angry, jealousy and such, but are we ever really aware of what they are? My angry may be different from that of someone else. I have really been struggling with my feelings because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. It has been 2 years what should I feel now? A Facebook post to my friend Amanda's account almost made me cry, but hell some animated Christmas specials almost did the same. I looked for my Christmas spirit, I felt it but was never sure I really had it. I guess that is what is going on. I feel but I don't. I feel sad about you and then I shut it off. The problem with shutting off emotions and feelings is that you have to shut them ALL off. The same is true when you turn them back on. Am I depressed? Of course I am! Most of the time I feel nothing. I just bounce day to day through my life. Food doesn't taste how it should, fun doesn't last like it should, and time just slips by. Mom visited on Christmas and I don't think i spent more than 1/2 an hour talking to her. Find ways to stay busy and not confront what bothers me. You aren't the only thing that bothers me, but your passing came at the extremely wrong time in my life. You had no right to do that to me. I have no right to use you as an excuse. Can things change? They have to. I love my wife and son, but if I don't change I will die, if I don't change they will leave. When we go out the 2 of them are always off without me and I know it is because I can't keep up with them physically, but also I am distant emotionally. I don't get to spend time with me son. He has already grown a lot and I have missed it. I don't know how to spend time with him, I don't know how to spend time with my wife. You were supposed to be there for me when I needed you and I need you now. You didn't teach me how to care for my family just how to provide for my family. I don't know what the normal way to feel, but I am pretty sure it isn't tired and angry. People tell me to be happy when I actually am happy and then I have to question if I understand what happy means. What am I supposed to feel now?

Spartan

Are a mediocre football team but is now bowl eligible. The basketball team starts the season ranked 2nd in the nation. On the professional side the most boring football game of all time will be played this Sunday Lions VS. Browns. Love ya guy!

Response

My wife was brutally honest lately about how the mis-carriages have affected her so I am going to try and address that as well. I miss you now because I don't know how to react to this situation. We have been through them before and as always I am torn. i want to grieve but know I need to be strong for her. I want to I want to yell and be mad but at whom? This one hurt even more because like Kellie I felt this one would be different. We both felt it was our daughter in her womb. I let myself dream of days that fathers share with their daughters, what it would be like to walk her down the aisle things like that. I let myself dream and now my dream is gone. I am truly thankful for my son and my wife but at times like these it becomes so hard not to feel angry and hurt, to not long for what should be and to not feel like the universe has f***ed me. Okay, that is the most self pity I will allow. I am truly blessed, i have a job, food, shelter, clothing, and a family that loves me. I know God has a plan for all of us but I can't help but agree with Kellie when she said God is mean sometimes. It is a simple statement but we all feel our fathers are mean sometimes when he really knows better than we do what we need. Love ya guy!

Demons

I have had several beginnings for this post, several thoughts and basically a pretty rough month since we last talked. I was not able to go visit on the 2nd. I did go visit this last Monday, and we did go to your grave. I don't know what i am supposed to feel at times like this. I feel the full range of emotions, but that is not what i took from this last visit. I couple the visit with what I saw on the biggest loser the other night and have been seeking an epiphany. So far it hasn't come but I did have a start to one. In the show one of the trainers said you can't lose weight unless you know why you gained it to begin with. I am still looking for the main reason I turn to food so I can get my head straight, but I know your death has affected me recently. I am depressed because of your passing. I am mad that you left. I am sad because you aren't here. I am angry because of the pain it causes mom and knowing I can't do anything to change that. We all carry demons and those demons are sometimes at the surface and sometimes they are buried. Food is a demon for me. Before you passed I was doing well and I let your passing derail me. I am worse off now than when I started last time, and a lot of the time I just don't care. I am killing myself and I don't care. I am robbing my son of his father and I don't care. This has to change, I have to excise this demon because I am not ready to see you yet. Love ya guy!

Why I Love The Fall

A lot of people do not like the fall, I am not one of those. A lot of people look at all the green going away as death as a bleak winter gets ready to set in, I don't. I look at Fall as a promise of rebirth. I see the hope that the season truly brings, sure the old falls off and the trees are bare, but that barren look gives a promise of renewal. Winter is the hibernation period, and Spring brings forth the new, but Spring can't happen without Fall. I love the rich Earthy smells the cool crisp mornings that sometimes gives you a glimpse of your breath. The waters seem to run faster, the air is full of scents. Monsters roam on the lose but can't sneak up on you through the leaves. Thanksgiving loams on the outer fringes. Fall is a time of change the colors are painted with the vibrant spectrum of Autumn. We can all hunker down in our cocoons and wait for Spring as we emerge new and ready. Love ya guy!

Sports Updates

The good: Spartans beat the Wolverines, they almost managed to lose but pulled it off in overtime.

The bad: The Lions lost 48 to 24 to Chicago.

The Ugly: The Tigers had a 2 game lead with 3 left to play, they lost 2 games and ended up tied with the Twins. In a one game play off they lost to the Twins in extra innings.

love ya guy!

Hello Back By The Way

How many times are you going to find a wheat penny in the free penny cup? Love ya guy!