Which way to look

Today has been a mildly retrospective day. I have definitely looked back. I viewed pictures of you and had some good memories. But today is one of those days where time doesn't feel linear because at the same time i wondered what my son will think of me. It was amazing last night when I held him and he started to fall asleep in my arms, he hasn't done that in a long time. As I looked around the kitchen and saw my family and my house I realized why I do what I do. See yesterday was an extremely draining day. Work kicked my ass and I was down but my family made me happy quickly. This was an older post I never published. Love ya guy.

Luck?

This winter I have had major luck with the snow blower. My snow blower has started the first pull all winter long and that has never happened before. Thank you if you are helping with that. We have been hit with a lot of snow the last couple of days and with the wind the snow has piled up. On Saturday I was reminded that God is there if you ask. I ended up in a ditch and was getting really frustrated and I was about to loose it when I yelled out " God help me." A couple minutes later a pick up truck stopped and offered to help pull me out. Love ya guy.

Happy Belated Birthday

Although I wished you happy birthday on Facebook. You would have been 62 this past Saturday. This year I didn't see anything to buy you like I have in the past. At Christmas the Chow Chow calendar still crosses my mind. I am amazed when I tell people that you would have been 62 and they reply that it is young, dying at 59 was young. I want to celebrate your life and all that you have accomplished. I am letting my anger toward you go. I need to change for my son and I have decided to make that change. I know I have talked about this before and I still have a strong desire to eat when I get stressed. I have to work on making a fundamental change. I need to talk to you more often. I am watching the snow pile up outside the window and can't help but think of the trip mom is on. She was near the shuttle when it launched and I know she was thinking of you. I am making myself sad right now so I think I am done for today, love ya guy.

A New Hope

A new year has started. I hope that this year can bring some changes. I hope this year to be less angry with you and myself. I hope to change my weight situation. I hope to forgive you. I hope to get out on the golf course this year. I hope to be able to ride some coasters at Cedar Point. I hope to celebrate a Spartan bowl victory (today). I hope to learn more patience. I hope to love with all my heart and put myself out there totally. I hope for a lot of things, but am not convinced that anything has really changed but the calendar. We all have grand dreams and some of mine included you being here for a long time. i always dreamed of going on the Canada fishing trip with you and maybe Tanis as well. I know mom dreamed about a lot of thing with you. I think this year will be a good year for us all. I think we will all continue to grow. I promise this year to not forget but to work very hard to forgive. I promise to weigh less next week than I did this week, and even less the following week and on and on. I promise to let you play with any of clocks but if you could stop getting the cuckoo 15 minutes fast I would appreciate it. Love ya guy.

How Does It Feel?

Feelings....We get asked about our feelings all of the time, but I am not sure I understand what they are anymore. Your passing brought on a flood of them, sometimes all at once. We learn as a child what happy and sad are, angry, jealousy and such, but are we ever really aware of what they are? My angry may be different from that of someone else. I have really been struggling with my feelings because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. It has been 2 years what should I feel now? A Facebook post to my friend Amanda's account almost made me cry, but hell some animated Christmas specials almost did the same. I looked for my Christmas spirit, I felt it but was never sure I really had it. I guess that is what is going on. I feel but I don't. I feel sad about you and then I shut it off. The problem with shutting off emotions and feelings is that you have to shut them ALL off. The same is true when you turn them back on. Am I depressed? Of course I am! Most of the time I feel nothing. I just bounce day to day through my life. Food doesn't taste how it should, fun doesn't last like it should, and time just slips by. Mom visited on Christmas and I don't think i spent more than 1/2 an hour talking to her. Find ways to stay busy and not confront what bothers me. You aren't the only thing that bothers me, but your passing came at the extremely wrong time in my life. You had no right to do that to me. I have no right to use you as an excuse. Can things change? They have to. I love my wife and son, but if I don't change I will die, if I don't change they will leave. When we go out the 2 of them are always off without me and I know it is because I can't keep up with them physically, but also I am distant emotionally. I don't get to spend time with me son. He has already grown a lot and I have missed it. I don't know how to spend time with him, I don't know how to spend time with my wife. You were supposed to be there for me when I needed you and I need you now. You didn't teach me how to care for my family just how to provide for my family. I don't know what the normal way to feel, but I am pretty sure it isn't tired and angry. People tell me to be happy when I actually am happy and then I have to question if I understand what happy means. What am I supposed to feel now?

Spartan

Are a mediocre football team but is now bowl eligible. The basketball team starts the season ranked 2nd in the nation. On the professional side the most boring football game of all time will be played this Sunday Lions VS. Browns. Love ya guy!

Response

My wife was brutally honest lately about how the mis-carriages have affected her so I am going to try and address that as well. I miss you now because I don't know how to react to this situation. We have been through them before and as always I am torn. i want to grieve but know I need to be strong for her. I want to I want to yell and be mad but at whom? This one hurt even more because like Kellie I felt this one would be different. We both felt it was our daughter in her womb. I let myself dream of days that fathers share with their daughters, what it would be like to walk her down the aisle things like that. I let myself dream and now my dream is gone. I am truly thankful for my son and my wife but at times like these it becomes so hard not to feel angry and hurt, to not long for what should be and to not feel like the universe has f***ed me. Okay, that is the most self pity I will allow. I am truly blessed, i have a job, food, shelter, clothing, and a family that loves me. I know God has a plan for all of us but I can't help but agree with Kellie when she said God is mean sometimes. It is a simple statement but we all feel our fathers are mean sometimes when he really knows better than we do what we need. Love ya guy!