Getting this out

It has been almost a year now. The anniversary of you going to the hospital happened last week. I have looked back on the year and have realized I haven't dealt with your passing. This post is about dealing with it. I blame myself. I really do. I was there the day the doctor suggested the feeding tube, and I helped talk mom into having it done. I don't know that anything would have changed if I hadn't been there. Maybe she wouldn't have had the feeding tube put in, and then you wouldn't have pulled it out. I have used you as an excuse for a year. i have felt cold and numb inside and rather than deal with it I found other things to fill the void. I have gained all of the weight I had lost back. I am not using you as an excuse but I kept telling myself one more this one more that. I will start after the weekend, I will start tomorrow, just eat the pizza tonight and I will be ready. Food is not the answer, I know that. I miss you, and I wish you were still here. The last thing you would want is for me to gain weight and I know that. I will start Thursday and stick to it. I will use this sight to talk to you, but also to tell about whether I was good on my diet, and whether I worked out. I have to get the guilt and sadness out of me. I don't know how to be happy when I am so sad. At least in the next few weeks we will run out of "firsts". You know the first Christmas without you and so on. I don't know if you had lived if we would have been better friends, or I would have wasted more time. Had you walked out of that hospital would you have changed? These are the questions I would ask. Life flies by at an awesome pace and nobody knows how long their trip will last. Did you have any regrets? If you could do it all over again what would you change? These deep questions I turn on myself when I think about you. I thought I would be so different than you, I wouldn't let work rule my life, I would be there for everything. The truth is, I realize that you weren't a bad parent and what you did was for your family, but I have become you. I only wish that I was as involved in the community as much as you. I wish that I could slow things down and capture some of that time. It was so much fun taking Tanis fishing, just letting the time drift by. I am sad, I do miss you, I am guilty and i am depressed. I don't know if this even makes sense anymore. I need to snap out of this funk and take care of me and my family. That is what I am going to do. Love ya guy.

Catch Up

The Spartans beat Notre Dame 2 weeks ago, and Indiana last week. The Tigers finished in last place in their division. Tanis insisted we put our inflatable Sparty out in the yard. I don't know how all of the Buckeye fans feel but my son loves it. I have had a hard week with customer service from Sprint and Empire flooring. It is crazy, but I won't go into it. We had our kitchen through the bathroom tiled. It is nice to have it done. The kitchen looks great. I spent last night hooking appliances back up. Jackie had her wedding last Saturday, but Kellie and I did not go. Things are pretty shook up in the economy right now. I am hopeful that things will settle down as the retail industry can't take too long of a shake up. I don't have a lot of fun things to talk about, I am trying to stay light hearted but some really bad things could happen if our government doesn't do the right thing (and since they rarely do the right thing I am a little nervous). Hey at least pre-season Hockey has started, go Wings. Love ya guy.

A Long Time

Time does tend to go by without us realizing it. Well a lot has happened since the last time I posted. Mom ended up in the hospital but got out. She has a staph infection and has been taking an antibiotic drip twice a day. Things are going okay for her, she got a good report from the doctor last week who admitted he was afraid they would have to go in again. The weekend before Labor Day Kellie, Tanis and I went on a little vacation. We went to Geauga Lake on Friday (the park is closed but the water park is still there). We had fun in the water park and left there to go to a bed and breakfast in Bolivar, Ohio. It was called Wild Horses Bed and Breakfast. It was a little cabin with a loft. It was nice although it was in the middle of Amish country. We went n an ill advised night hike and ended up scratched but okay. On Saturday we saw the world largest cuckoo clock, and even bought one for our house. (I managed to damage it when I hung it up, and is currently being fixed). Then we went to Lehmans hardware. It is an old fashioned but huge hardware store. It has one lot for cars and an even larger lot for buggies. This hardware store is all about non electric hardware. It was neat, we bought a large cast iron skillet, and some candles. Tanis bought some cookie cutters. After that we went to Orrville, Ohio, and visited the Smuckers plant. We didn't really have time to see much, but we did buy Tanis some JIF socks that he absolutely loves. On Sunday we went on a six mile canoe trip. Six miles is a bit much, and the river was pretty shallow in spots. They lashed 2 canoes together for us so we wouldn't have to worry about capsizing. It was fun, but took a lot of time. We then went to a lake where we rented a speed boat and a tube to tow behind. That did not turn out as well as it could have for many reasons, but I will not post them (some things can only be shared between two people). Labor day weekend came and went, the weather was amazing so sales suffered some. Kellie was able to avoid going on strike, even though the deal the teachers accepted wasn't all that good. The Lions have started off 0 and 2. The Spartans are 2 and 1. This past Saturday Kellie and I saw Toby Kieth in concert. I know you really didn't like country music, but it was enjoyable. We had a pretty long hike from our car to the concert and back again. After the concert some red necks were running their trucks through the large mud puddle in the field. It is an experience that would only happen at a country concert, or maybe a NASCAR event. On Sunday Tanis and I went to a father son bowling event held by the church. It was fun and we had a good time. Later on Sunday we got a really bad wind storm that blew a lot of branches down all around. That in a nutshell catches us up, I will try and be better with the posts. Love ya guy.

Mom

Mom had her right knee replaced before my birthday. On August 7th she had to have it re-opened because her sutures had opened. They fixed things and sent her on her way. On Friday she visited the doctor because her leg was red around the sutures. He sent her to the hospital and the opened the knee again and went layer by layer irrigating, and cleaning. Then they replaced the plastic piece between the 2 metal pieces. They ran cultures and found out she has a staph infection. She will have to wear a pump that continuously cleans the the wound, and puts in antibiotics for 4 to 6 weeks. Then she will have to take an oral antibiotic for 4 more weeks. It seems surreal. The worst part of it is that there is only a 40% chance that the knee won't have to be replaced. I know you are up there, do you think you can help those odds in her favor? Love ya guy.

Penny troubles

It has been pretty hard to find wheat pennies. I have managed to collect 4 of them so far. Love ya guy.

One you would appreciate

I had given up on reading Clive Cussler, I was enamored with his books. They were okay but not the best thing I have ever read. I needed a book and was at the grocery store and a Clive book was the only thing available I was willing to read. So the book is called The Navigator and shortly into it I run across a paragraph that says Vice president Sandecker and NUMA director Pitt. What? I have never heard of this, when did this happen? I thought right away that it would have called you to find out what book that happened in. Love ya guy.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is mom's birthday. I was talking to her last night and she started to cry. I guess this is one of those times that we miss you. I missed you on my birthday. I know that time has started to heal the loss of you. But at the strangest times we are reminded of you. I received a Nintendo DS, and I found some of my old gameboy games, I put the poker one in and it was actually yours, you were one of the saved files. Alex has stayed with us for the last week and a half, and he and I had some conversations that you and I would have had. He misses listening to sports radio with you. I missed you all at our annual picnic. I couldn't remember why you weren't there last year, but I remember you weren't. I was frustrated that I couldn't remember why. I don't like forgetting anything about you. It is scary that I may lose some of my memories of you. I know time will rob me of some of these but it does make me sad. My birthday was fun, the picnic was fun. I did some ribs as well as the chicken this year. The ribs were excellent. I want to post here more often, but it has been a little hard to talk to you lately. I miss you a lot, I miss being able to call you and ask you about MSU football. You died to soon, I was supposed to have you in my life for another 20 years. Mom was supposed to have you in her life for the next 20 years. We all miss you and on our birthdays it is hard not to wish for another day with you, to wish to wake from a dream and be able to tell you about this bad dream we had. We wish we had tine to spend with you. Love ya guy.