How Does It Feel?

Feelings....We get asked about our feelings all of the time, but I am not sure I understand what they are anymore. Your passing brought on a flood of them, sometimes all at once. We learn as a child what happy and sad are, angry, jealousy and such, but are we ever really aware of what they are? My angry may be different from that of someone else. I have really been struggling with my feelings because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. It has been 2 years what should I feel now? A Facebook post to my friend Amanda's account almost made me cry, but hell some animated Christmas specials almost did the same. I looked for my Christmas spirit, I felt it but was never sure I really had it. I guess that is what is going on. I feel but I don't. I feel sad about you and then I shut it off. The problem with shutting off emotions and feelings is that you have to shut them ALL off. The same is true when you turn them back on. Am I depressed? Of course I am! Most of the time I feel nothing. I just bounce day to day through my life. Food doesn't taste how it should, fun doesn't last like it should, and time just slips by. Mom visited on Christmas and I don't think i spent more than 1/2 an hour talking to her. Find ways to stay busy and not confront what bothers me. You aren't the only thing that bothers me, but your passing came at the extremely wrong time in my life. You had no right to do that to me. I have no right to use you as an excuse. Can things change? They have to. I love my wife and son, but if I don't change I will die, if I don't change they will leave. When we go out the 2 of them are always off without me and I know it is because I can't keep up with them physically, but also I am distant emotionally. I don't get to spend time with me son. He has already grown a lot and I have missed it. I don't know how to spend time with him, I don't know how to spend time with my wife. You were supposed to be there for me when I needed you and I need you now. You didn't teach me how to care for my family just how to provide for my family. I don't know what the normal way to feel, but I am pretty sure it isn't tired and angry. People tell me to be happy when I actually am happy and then I have to question if I understand what happy means. What am I supposed to feel now?