How Does It Feel?

Feelings....We get asked about our feelings all of the time, but I am not sure I understand what they are anymore. Your passing brought on a flood of them, sometimes all at once. We learn as a child what happy and sad are, angry, jealousy and such, but are we ever really aware of what they are? My angry may be different from that of someone else. I have really been struggling with my feelings because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. It has been 2 years what should I feel now? A Facebook post to my friend Amanda's account almost made me cry, but hell some animated Christmas specials almost did the same. I looked for my Christmas spirit, I felt it but was never sure I really had it. I guess that is what is going on. I feel but I don't. I feel sad about you and then I shut it off. The problem with shutting off emotions and feelings is that you have to shut them ALL off. The same is true when you turn them back on. Am I depressed? Of course I am! Most of the time I feel nothing. I just bounce day to day through my life. Food doesn't taste how it should, fun doesn't last like it should, and time just slips by. Mom visited on Christmas and I don't think i spent more than 1/2 an hour talking to her. Find ways to stay busy and not confront what bothers me. You aren't the only thing that bothers me, but your passing came at the extremely wrong time in my life. You had no right to do that to me. I have no right to use you as an excuse. Can things change? They have to. I love my wife and son, but if I don't change I will die, if I don't change they will leave. When we go out the 2 of them are always off without me and I know it is because I can't keep up with them physically, but also I am distant emotionally. I don't get to spend time with me son. He has already grown a lot and I have missed it. I don't know how to spend time with him, I don't know how to spend time with my wife. You were supposed to be there for me when I needed you and I need you now. You didn't teach me how to care for my family just how to provide for my family. I don't know what the normal way to feel, but I am pretty sure it isn't tired and angry. People tell me to be happy when I actually am happy and then I have to question if I understand what happy means. What am I supposed to feel now?

Spartan

Are a mediocre football team but is now bowl eligible. The basketball team starts the season ranked 2nd in the nation. On the professional side the most boring football game of all time will be played this Sunday Lions VS. Browns. Love ya guy!

Response

My wife was brutally honest lately about how the mis-carriages have affected her so I am going to try and address that as well. I miss you now because I don't know how to react to this situation. We have been through them before and as always I am torn. i want to grieve but know I need to be strong for her. I want to I want to yell and be mad but at whom? This one hurt even more because like Kellie I felt this one would be different. We both felt it was our daughter in her womb. I let myself dream of days that fathers share with their daughters, what it would be like to walk her down the aisle things like that. I let myself dream and now my dream is gone. I am truly thankful for my son and my wife but at times like these it becomes so hard not to feel angry and hurt, to not long for what should be and to not feel like the universe has f***ed me. Okay, that is the most self pity I will allow. I am truly blessed, i have a job, food, shelter, clothing, and a family that loves me. I know God has a plan for all of us but I can't help but agree with Kellie when she said God is mean sometimes. It is a simple statement but we all feel our fathers are mean sometimes when he really knows better than we do what we need. Love ya guy!

Demons

I have had several beginnings for this post, several thoughts and basically a pretty rough month since we last talked. I was not able to go visit on the 2nd. I did go visit this last Monday, and we did go to your grave. I don't know what i am supposed to feel at times like this. I feel the full range of emotions, but that is not what i took from this last visit. I couple the visit with what I saw on the biggest loser the other night and have been seeking an epiphany. So far it hasn't come but I did have a start to one. In the show one of the trainers said you can't lose weight unless you know why you gained it to begin with. I am still looking for the main reason I turn to food so I can get my head straight, but I know your death has affected me recently. I am depressed because of your passing. I am mad that you left. I am sad because you aren't here. I am angry because of the pain it causes mom and knowing I can't do anything to change that. We all carry demons and those demons are sometimes at the surface and sometimes they are buried. Food is a demon for me. Before you passed I was doing well and I let your passing derail me. I am worse off now than when I started last time, and a lot of the time I just don't care. I am killing myself and I don't care. I am robbing my son of his father and I don't care. This has to change, I have to excise this demon because I am not ready to see you yet. Love ya guy!

Why I Love The Fall

A lot of people do not like the fall, I am not one of those. A lot of people look at all the green going away as death as a bleak winter gets ready to set in, I don't. I look at Fall as a promise of rebirth. I see the hope that the season truly brings, sure the old falls off and the trees are bare, but that barren look gives a promise of renewal. Winter is the hibernation period, and Spring brings forth the new, but Spring can't happen without Fall. I love the rich Earthy smells the cool crisp mornings that sometimes gives you a glimpse of your breath. The waters seem to run faster, the air is full of scents. Monsters roam on the lose but can't sneak up on you through the leaves. Thanksgiving loams on the outer fringes. Fall is a time of change the colors are painted with the vibrant spectrum of Autumn. We can all hunker down in our cocoons and wait for Spring as we emerge new and ready. Love ya guy!

Sports Updates

The good: Spartans beat the Wolverines, they almost managed to lose but pulled it off in overtime.

The bad: The Lions lost 48 to 24 to Chicago.

The Ugly: The Tigers had a 2 game lead with 3 left to play, they lost 2 games and ended up tied with the Twins. In a one game play off they lost to the Twins in extra innings.

love ya guy!

Hello Back By The Way

How many times are you going to find a wheat penny in the free penny cup? Love ya guy!

Last weekend

Mom came down to visit and we had a great meal. Kellie bought some steaks, I bought some shrimp and scallops (I even cooked mushrooms for mom). The steaks turned out great and everybody enjoyed the feast. Mom got a new bed on Monday and then headed home. She isn't a big fan of my H3, it isn't as roomy as the Expedition. It was great to see her. Love ya guy.

Tigers

Are in first place by 2 games with 3 games left to play. How would you bet? i think no matter who wins it will be one and done in the playoff, but go Tigers. Love ya guy!

Lions

I told you before that the last regular season win happened the weekend you passed away. They finally won this past weekend. Between last year and this year that is 18 losses plus the year before, kind of crazy, I was sort of hoping for a second no-win season as that would show we excel at sucking. It looks like the Browns may be going after the Lion's record this year. Love ya guy.

Spartans.....

Well on Saturday the 12th they faced off against CMU and lost. It was sad, but it was not the first time it has happened. We then lost to Notre Dame, although that was a close game, and then lost the following week to Wisconsin. This weekend is UofM, if we can just win that one the season will seem better. Love ya guy.

September 11th

It was a bad day this year too. I got into an accident taking Tanis to school. The car ended up being totaled, and as far as I know nobody was hurt. The car we hit did go to the hospital but was treated and released. This is embarrassing for me, so I have put off posting. I learned a lot about insurance and car shopping with a time limit. One good thing that came of this was I bought an H3, which I have wanted for a long time. Love ya guy.

What is going on?

I have really tried to stay to myself politically. I find that most things people either agree or disagree with based on which party is doing it. You know I was brought up in a Republican household and have voted that way for most of my life. The last president Bush really betrayed my trust and I feel sold out America. He introduced a lot of socialist programs including the bailout of several companies. Now the new president has continued with the bailouts. I just don't understand how our society got to the sports team mentality about everything, "I am not going to vote for them because they have an R after their name, or I'll never vote for a Democrat." I think people long to vote for something not against it. We have (almost all of us) become blinded, it is almost as if nothing matters except that your team wins. I feel this has been a plan for a long time keep them in the Coliseum watching the gladiators while we take more power. People were convinced that George W. Bush was the anti-christ and that he would bring about the end of the world. He didn't but he did take some of MY freedoms in the name of National Security. Now the people on the other side are convinced that Barack Obama is the anti-christ and that he will bring about the end of the world. I don't think that is true, but I noticed that he picked up my freedoms that Bush took and didn't give it back to me, and now they are attempting to take more of MY freedoms. I don't want to have to explain to my child or my grandchildren what it was like when we had freedom or try and explain what was so important that I let my freedom go. I am telling anyone who reads this stop with the partisan bullshit, look at both sides and see there is no difference. Find the people who stand for what you believe. This country was founded on Christian ideals and whether or not you are Christian it is hard to argue against those ideals. Do unto others, do not kill, do not steal, basically be nice to each other and help each other. Take care of yourself and others, and when you need it other will take care of you. It has been said our Constitution is outdated and that it needs to be changed. How can you change something that is so inspired? "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It says creator not God so whomever you worship or however you feel we got here understand that we are endowed with these rights. Life isn't fair, if it was I wouldn't be writing in a blog to my dad, but we ALL need to work TOGETHER to make a brighter future for the future generations. I take a lot of crap because I don't necessarily believe that Global warming is caused by man and CO2 emissions, but that doesn't mean I don't think we should take care of our planet and do what we can to make it better, we have been charged to be stewards of our planet. This may be a bit rambling but I have so much running through my head. I want our country to become the Republic it was intended to be. It is amazing that people don't understand the difference. We entrust OUR power to OUR elected government it is not a majority rule. We have a responsibility to speak out when we feel we are not being heard, and we have a bigger responsibility to DEFEND THE RIGHTS of people who are speaking the opposite of what we believe. I actually enjoyed seeing both sides of the health care bill being represented on Facebook last week, at first it bothered me, but I realized that is the first amendment in its simplest form. I don't want to see people go without care for either reason, but it seems to me the argument missed by not giving a solution. It is easy to criticize, lets actually come up with plans. Capitalism can be evil, Socialism can be evil, AMERICA ISN'T EVIL! Let us use our American ingenuity and fix the problem. Let everyone decide to be intellectually honest and admit when they don't know something. Let us become "United under God indivisible with liberty and justice for ALL." Love ya guy!

A Week Goes By

Very quickly. It is hard to believe it has been an entire week since I last talked to you. Tanis has settled into school and seems to be enjoying it. We are still trying to get our morning routine down, but have the parking lot routine down. He likes to take his lunch, but today was his first purchased lunch so I look forward to talking to him about it. I was doing well working out, but have not for the last 3 days, I don't have any real excuses so I won't try to pass any. We are getting ready for the big sale weekend, but are facing great weather for the WHOLE weekend. We need it to rain one day so people will come in, but I am sure we will do fine. I guess part of the reason I don't update that often is that I really don't do a lot except work, sleep and eat. I was off Monday so after school Tanis and I went to Toys-R-Us to buy some Legos. We went home cooked some sliders built some Legos and sent him to bed. The Tigers are in first place, the Lions won one pre-season game so far and the Spartans start this Saturday. Tanis is playing soccer and seems to like it. Love ya guy!

A New Chapter Begins

Tanis had his first day of kindergarten today. I am not sure how to feel about it. I can tell you for sure that I felt a major chapter in his life ending. I realized this past Tuesday that it was really the last weekday we could spend the whole day together. I had one of those you can never get the time back moments. It caught me while we were at the zoo that our day adventures have been curtailed. I have to take him to school even if I have the day off. We can't just plan a weekday full of fun, it has to be after school. He is my buddy and now I will not have him with me on those days. It makes me feel sad. I am happy for him a whole new world of wonder has opened for him. He has so many new firsts coming. I had a strange experience dropping him off today. He was trying to get out his door but it was locked he was a little irritated as we had practiced him getting out on his own, he got out and I gave him his lunch. "Bye Tanis I love." "I love you too daddy." "Head down this path to those doors." Slam! He closed the door and didn't look back. He didn't need me, he wanted to start his adventure. I was so proud of him because he is so strong and fearless. I was sad because it didn't seem like he needed daddy anymore. I am slowly becoming dad not daddy, my little boy is getting older everyday. With today and the vacation I think I got an even better glimpse at what it was like for you. To us family really does mean everything, but we aren't very good at making them see it. We show love in some of the wrong ways, we focus on making sure we provide for them but I learned sometimes we just need to get down into the dirt and play. Love ya guy!

Finding A Voice

I am having trouble finding my voice. I look up to you and you were never in someones face. I know things drove you crazy but I never saw you lose it and go off 9employees and relatives NOT included). I have really wanted to scream lately, so many things are wrong in this world. I have to be reserved on the sales floor, I have to be reserved with my employees, and I get frustrated talking about it at home (a lot of better things to talk about). Mom and I had a political conversation the other day, but it didn't feel right, and I was concerned about going to far, I look forward to our conversations. I don't know how well we would get along now, but I miss sports and political talk with you. I have no idea how the Spartans are supposed to be (I think most years you just told me about 500). The Browns beat the Lions in a pre-season game, but as I like to point out the Lions were undefeated in pre-season last year and look how that turned out. So in the future I may get a little political with you then again maybe not. Love ya guy!

Bad Year For Golf

Well the golf outing did not happen. The re-scheduled day was shut down for lack of participants, evidently several groups couldn't make it. So I did not golf this year. They claim next year will be bigger and better. I hope so. Love ya guy!

Vacation Debriefing

I had a lot of fun on my vacation. We as a family saw a lot. We packed a whole lot into those days. It was a lot of driving and by the end we were all ready to come home. I had a lot of fun reliving things from my childhood. I remember staying at KOA, and they really haven't changed that much. One had an arcade that had games from when I was a kid. It was fun to explore with Tanis. He likes to look for things and make games out of everything. The one morning we let Kellie sleep in he just played in the dirt. He had a lot of fun even if Kellie didn't approve (to be fair he was barefoot and in his pajamas). For me the fun was seeing my family have fun. It was a lot of driving which does take more out of you then you think. I really wish we could have made the trip without Ditzy but she wasn't that bad and I think it helped her to go. I am glad we went and look forward to another vacation next year, and yes I did slow down and enjoy it. Love ya guy!

Sunday August 9th

We woke up (around 5 a.m.) to an awesome display of thunder and lightning. The power went out for a little bit in the campground and lightning struck fairly close to us. Eventually the storm subsided and we slept a little bit longer and got up. I offered to pay for another day and we could head home on Monday, but Kellie said no she was ready to go home today. I took down the tent while her and Tanis showered. She finished packing the car and we started our trip home. I wanted them to see Sleeping Bear dunes, so we put it into the GPS and were on our way. We finally got there, but it wasn't what I was thinking about, I was thinking of the dunes at Silver Lake. Kellie and Tanis climbed some of the dunes, and then we took the driving tour stopping at several of the viewing points. We had a good time, but I think everyone was ready to go home. So the GPS took us back through Traverse city and then south and east. We made decent time and got home around 8 pm. I picked up the other 2 pugs and we had pizza for dinner. We started on the mountain of laundry and talked a lot about our trip. Love ya guy!

Saturday August 8th

We woke up to rain. It was coming down fairly hard, and had started to come into the tent. I went outside and started to stake down the rain fly. I got soaked in the process but figured I deserved it for not doing it before. The rain had pooled up on the fly and was causing some havoc, but we were able to get it tied down. We all got up and dressed and I decided since we were rained out I would buy breakfast. We looked for a local diner, but ended up at the Cracker Barrel. After breakfast we decided to head to Charlevoix anyway as that was our plan before we left home. Charlevoix was having an art fair with over 150 artists. We got down to the art fair to find out that no dogs were allowed in the park that day. We took Ditzy for a little while, but I was uncomfortable with breaking the rules, so Kellie took Ditz out and I walked through part of it with Tanis. We traded off a couple of times and we were able to take in the whole art fair. It did rain a little on us, but the day stayed mostly dry. We walked around Charlevoix for awhile and took in some shops. We bought some taffy and some cherry inspired soda (a cherry ginger ale and cherry root beer). We walked back to the car and started to search for a potty. We stopped at McDonalds and took care of things and bought some food to tide us over. We then headed back to Traverse City. We stopped at the roadside stand selling raspberry pies but they had sold out of all of their pies. We then went to the Stained Glass factory and met a really friendly person. We looked around his store and found a lot we wanted, but only purchased a couple of small things. He recommended a restaurant called Sleders for dinner. Sleders is one of the oldest bars in Traverse city and they have a moose that you are supposed to kiss and something cool is supposed to happen. We ordered dinner and Kellie and Tanis kissed the moose but nothing happened. I had a lot of fun teasing them about being moose kissers. Dinner was good and we headed back to the tent and went to bed. Love ya guy!

Friday August 7th

On Friday we broke camp and headed towards Traverse City. We made a stop in Petoskey to look for stones. Petoskey had changed a lot. Finally we found a beach and went looking. We found a few that weren't very good examples. Tanis and I had fun throwing the rejects into lake Michigan. As we headed off to the car I found a great example so we kept that one and a few others. We stopped for a potty break at a grocery store. We bought a spatula so we could cook burgers that night and a hand held broom for sweeping out the tent. We passed a lot of roadside stands promising cherry pies and one offered raspberry pie. We were very tempted, but kept on going. We finally made it to KOA. We set up camp, and while putting up the tent I commented we should stake down the rain fly, but then we decided not to. I REALLY wanted a pie so I headed back down the road to buy one. I bought some dried cherries, chocolate covered dried cherries, a cherry pie and a small loaf of zuchini bread. I went back to the camp and started wrestling with the fire. I had three logs that were COMPLETELY black but now flame, finally it caught and I was able to cook dinner. We had cherry pie and the Tanis and I got dressed to go swimming in the pool. Ditzy watched us while Kellie read. We swam for close to an hour, and then Kellie and Tanis played with the big chess set. We went back and had pie and played Uno and then we all went to bed. Love ya guy!

Thursday August 6th

Okay so I implied something about Ditzy....Well all of the crusts she was fed made her throw up and of course she got it all over the sleeping bag. So here was my second morning in a row starting out at the KOA laundramat. I had been requested to make bacon and eggs for breakfast, so once the washing machine started I spent time getting the fire going and more time and more time. Eventually I got the fire started (a little tip if you want a fire proof house build it out of wood from KOA) and put up the cooking surface got out the fry pan and asked about utensils, well because I didn't tell her to pack any my wife didn't. So how am I going to cook bacon and eggs? The bacon was easy, and then I got a great idea, I took the bacon off the fire and put the pan on the picnic table, I had already cracked open the eggs and placed them in a cup, I drained the grease off and started the eggs cooking. I was able to use a regular spoon to stir the eggs and that was how I pulled it off. Because today was supposed to be a travel day I hadn't made any plans and we had asked people via Facebook what we should do. Mom and one of Kellie's friends recommended Sea Shell City and Tanis thought that sounded fun so after the sleeping bag was done in the wash we loaded the car and head out on an adventure. Sea Shell City was interesting...So we bought a couple of souvenirs including the giant jellybeans that look like rocks, I remember having them on my 5th birthday cake after Pike's Peak. We decided to head to St. Ignace next, where we stopped at Indian Village. Kellie really wanted moccasins so we bought those and Tanis got a toy slingshot. I had posted on Facebook recommendations for pasties and Mitch had been the only one to respond so I took his suggestion and we ended up at a roadside stand that didn't have anywhere to sit so we got our pasties and ate in the car. They were great, but didn't have gravy. I bought the recipe for $5.00 and plan on having a pastie party. So we had only wasted part of the day and I had an idea about where to go, I had seen signs for the Soo locks but the one I decided on was Tahquamenon Falls (I will simply say the falls from here on out). We got to the falls and decide to start with the lower. It had a very nice board walk to it, about 1/3 of a mile. We got out there and saw people playing in the water and being a bit dangerous. We did not play in the water but did some hiking. We briefly talked about the full 5 mile hike to the upper falls. We spent a lot of time here, and 2 squished pennies were purchased. We then decided to start heading back (we were about an hour and a half away). On the way back our GPS kept showing these little roads that you could see, but they weren't much more than a 2 track. Kellie wanted to take one so we did. It was fun up until the shrubs were growing in the way. Her Jeep is trail rated and the GPS knew where we were but the 1/4 tank of gas made me nervous, so we linked up with the next "road" and headed toward blacktop. We stopped in Mackinac city where we shopped around. We bought an Uno deck since we forgot ours and a Scrabble card game (plays like seven card draw). Kellie bought some popcorn, we bought fudge and then ordered BC's Pizza for dinner. It was good pizza the sauce was a little sweet and a little sparse for my taste but that meant Kellie liked it even more. We ate dinner in the tent turned out the lights and went to sleep. Ditzy managed not to do anything to the sleeping bag. I think because of the relaxing nature of the day, and all of the adventuring this ended up being our favorite vacation day. Love ya guy!

Wednesday August 5th

So I wake up kind of early. I head off to the shower and check to see if the office is open, it isn't. So I run to a convenience store and buy laundry soap and dryer sheets. I start the morning putting the sleeping bag in the wash with some of our clothes (if you are doing the laundry anyway). I go up to the game room and have a major flash back to when we used to camp, mainly because half of the games are from the 80's. I go and have breakfast at the campsite go back put the stuff in the dryer, and then we start to plan the day. We are going to Mackinac Island, what coupons do we have for the ferry? We settle on the Star Line as we have a buy 2 adults get a child free coupon, and it is my guess they are all about the same. Not knowing what the rest of the trip will entail I decide to catch the ferry from St. Ignace so we can cross the bridge (people not from Michigan might not know when a native says the bridge they mean Mackinaw bridge). Tanis isn't really impressed and wouldn't you know it there is road repair on the bridge. So our timing is right we get there just in time to catch a ferry and I hear for the first time on my vacation the word free, Ditzy rides the ferry for free. I told Tanis she had to be dragged behind the boat like a water skier but mommy steps in and tells him I am teasing (although after the sleeping bag incident it is not that unappealing). We get to the island and start to do touristy things. We buy some fudge and walk the main street. We look around to see what we can see and start to walk down the other side of the street and see the carriage tour. I wait in line to see if Ditzy can go with us and she can AND SHE IS FREE. So we buy tickets as this tour will take us around most of the island and allow us to see most everything. Our first leg takes us down the street after main street and then past the Grand Hotel. We learn some interesting facts and watch as our horses get switched out. We then go to the carriage house where we switch to 3 horse team. It takes us past the graveyards and to the arch. We get out and look at the arch and then go to the fort. We are offered to be able to tour the fort. So we get out and do the fort. Tanis really enjoyed it, and even became an enlisted man and learned to march. The rifle fire scared Ditzy half to death and I think she blames me. I knew it was coming so I tried to brace her, but it was still funny. A lot of the shops and all of the fort was pet friendly so we were able to take Ditzy most places. We caught the carriage back to the starting point and realized we hadn't eaten. This description seems short but we had pretty much passed close to 5 hours by now. We found a restaurant that wasn't pet friendly but had a patio we could sit at, it was a pizza buffet, not the greatest but a real value on the island. We feed Ditzy some crusts as she really hadn't eaten all that much. I tried to warn everyone not to feed her too much but they didn't listen. Tanis had been talking about wanting to go to the haunted house. So I had seen it and we had told him if he was good we would go. So we get there and Kellie is going to stay with Ditz and Tanis and I will go through it. That bummed Tanis out as I think he likes to scare mommy but daddy is a little harder to scare. So we go through part of it and there is a chicken out door that he wants to take. So we get out and he is still talking about Kellie going as well trying to act cool, but he is scared a bit. The clerk gives him a flashlight to use and we decide to go back through it. It is supposed to take about 15 minutes, and we do it in less than 5. We meet up with Kellie and Ditz do a little shopping including a candy store. We started to head back to the ferry, Kellie dug through a pile of clearance shirts finding Tanis one that was a good deal. We all rode the ferry back and crossed the bridge. We bought some firewood and a screen to be able to cook over the fire. We lit a fire and told a few stories. We also decided not to go to Leelanau, but stay here another day and head to Traverse city on Friday. Tanis had purchased another squished penny (I like souvenirs that cost 51 cents). We went to sleep and in the night Ditzy got up but I will tell that story as part of the next day. All in all it was a good time, we enjoyed the island and really got to see a lot of it. it wasn't as fun as the last time Kellie and I had went, it just seemed different and it also seemed rushed. This day had a lot of timed things. Departure times for ferries and carriages. Time for washers and dryers. It wasn't able to take on the relaxed pace, but it already seemed like we had been gone for days. A lot had occurred already. love ya guy.

Tuesday August 4th

I get up and pack my clothes, which takes a lot more room than I thought it would. Usually Kellie and I share a bag but I don't think that will work for this trip. I get all my stuff packed and then head to the computer hoping to make some reservations for camp grounds, plenty is open for Tuesday and Wednesday, but the weekend is looking like it will be a problem. I know I should have made reservations already but with the party the funds weren't available. So I book Leelanau for Thursday but no other. We are starting to pack the car and time is really starting to slip away I gripe a little at Kellie because I have no idea how long the drive will take. It was my plan to make it to Mackinac today and do the island the next day. The other problem we have is that nobody would take Ditzy so she was going camping with us. I ran and got ice for the coolers, and took the other 2 dogs to Deb and Bills. I guess when we left with the other 2 Ditzy freaked a little and wouldn't let Kellie out of her sight. We still weren't sure that the Jeep was going to work for the trip but taking the tent out of it's box helped a lot. So just before noon we head out (it may have been 11). I put a general address for Mackinac in the GPS and let it route. We stop for gas and hit the road. I relax a bit and decide it is no big deal if we don't make it to Mackinac today, but plan on doing some tourist things. One of our first options is Bronners Christmas World (Tanis and my first time here). We walk around outside some and then head inside, we drop Ditzy off in the car first (open the roof and the windows) and head in. It was pretty cool. I spend sometime looking around and help buy our first squished penny of the trip. I give Kellie my wallet and tell her and Tanis to have fun but that I wanted to head out to the car and check on Ditz. On the way out I see what I am really looking for.....BROCHURES. I grab a bunch including a KOA. I call the Mackinac city and they have openings, more importantly Traverse city has them for the whole weekend so I make reservations for Traverse city and feel a lot of anxiety lift. Kellie and Tanis come out, Tanis bought a book to hold squished pennies and Kellie bought a thimble. I punch the address into the GPS and realize we can make Mackinac before 8. We stop for gas along the way, and also for cheese. We get there set up the tent and get ready for camping. The tent has a light system witha remote control. The bed has a motor in it, but the battery isn't charged and we don't have c batteries. We fill it until the motor dies. We head into Mackinac City for dinner and find out the whole town basically closes at 10. Out of all we did this meal is the biggest let down. We left a little diner because it was so close to closing and ended up at the Dixie Saloon, both of us had fish and chips that were definitely overpriced. We go back to the camp go to sleep. We roll out Tanis's sleeping bag and Ditzy promptly goes over and pees on it. She had all kinds of chances to potty elsewhere but does it there instead. We figure out arrangements and go to bed. It gets fairly cold overnight but we all make it. Love ya guy

Monday August 3rd

This should be called what is the worst news. We have been planning a camping trip for this week it is our intention to leave on Tuesday. I told Kellie that she and Tanis should put the tent up the week before so we can air it out and make sure no holes are chewed in it. Well, they got around to it today. The tent isn't chewed up, but all of the poles are missing. So we load up in the car and head to Sams Club to see what kind of tent the have. They have one that can sleep 12 people, as we have very few options we put it in the cart as well as an airbed and some other stuff. We then grocery shop at Wal-Mart and head home. When we get home I am beat but Kellie says she will stay up and pack some and I can help pack in the morning as long as we aren't getting on the road "ridiculously" early like 9 or something. I think 10 is okay so I say that is fine and head to bed. Love ya guy

Sunday August 2nd

That was the day of our annual picnic. It ended up being a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, the friends were perfect and the food wasn't too bad either. The week before was my birthday and Alex spent the week with us. For my birthday I got a new grill and new grates for my old grill and finally a side fire box. So I seasoned the grates for all of the grills. Attached the side firebox to my old grill and got ready. My new grill is awesome, it is charcoal on one side and gas on the other. I had a little concert going with the grills. My friend Shawn from Cedar Point came up and was helping out on the grill. It was my intention to do the chicken breasts on the old grill using the side firebox, but I didn't have the time. I also didn't plan on using the propane either, but needed to for the corn which turned out great. We had the bounce house and cotton candy and snow cones. Cheri came down with mom even though there was a race scheduled that day. It was a fun day, I think we all stopped to think about you, I know I did. I often wonder if you help with the weather. I have so much to remind me of you, of course I have my Ducks Unlimited spatula. James came to the party as well, he is still hurting from the loss of his dad. I want to be able to tell him it gets easier or fades with time but I can't and I know my friend Amanda still hurts as well. We all miss you guys on days like these, days when we can hear your voice on the wind. Days we can feel the breeze stirring memories long forgotten. I had a real sense of peace this year. I had time to reflect and I could here you say "slow down, enjoy." Love ya guy!

A Litte Catch Up

It is ironic that the last time I posted was before the golf outing....It was rained out! It is rescheduled for this Saturday. A lot has happened since my last post. I am not sure completely why I haven't posted, part of it has to do with work. So I am back. I am going to do a several posts about my vacation. It was my intent to spend time each day last week doing a flashback to the week before, but I spent a lot of time catching up reports and other things. So I will have a few talks with you over the next few days and then I plan to talk to you at least 3 times a week. Love ya guy!

Golf Outing

This Saturday the second annual Robert Pancost Memorial Golf Outing will take place. We will win last place outright this year, no tie no sir if you are going to be a bear be a grizzly. Love ya guy.

Chris Osgood SUCKS

We have had an argument about Chris Osgood. You know I don't like him, you know I don't think he is a very good goalie. Last week Ozzie lost the Stanley Cup at the Joe. I had made a decision if he won it I would concede that he is a decent goalie, but then he blew it. I can hear you in the back of my head....He won three Stanley Cups, he can't be that bad. WRONG. Those teams were better at keeping the puck off that end of the ice. The second period Detroit did just that, keep the puck away from Ozzie so he can't blow it. So now I can rant and you can't stop me from saying that I hate having Chris Osgood in the net for Detroit. Love ya guy!

Some Fun Things Since Then

On May 16th we went to the Motor City Comic Con again. We met James and had a lot of fun. I have joined facebook and become reacquainted with some old friends. That day I had lunch with Luke Rademacher and dinner with Mitch Cooley and his wife. It was pretty surreal to meet up with people I haven't seen for 20 years or more. I have seen Terminator Salvation which I did not like all that much, and Star Trek which I am still undecided (I think Star Trek would have gotten you to go to the movies). Our pool has a warranty problem which we are waiting to hear from them about (rust spots on a 2 year old pool). Tanis, Kellie and I went fishing 2 Sundays ago where we caught 2 sunfish and a crappie. Last week on her birthday we didn't catch anything. Love ya guy!

Where have I been?

Jame's dad passed away. I went to the wake and the funeral and spent time talking to him. The funeral was very hard for me, his dad wasn't much older than you when he passed. It just isn't fair to lose people so soon. There is so much more life to experience, and so much more conversations to be had. It really struck me as unfair, and I felt pain for both of us, and I was ashamed for feeling pain for myself. It was my job to be there for my friend, and what I felt was personal. I left early on Friday because I couldn't deal with it. I knew what he would be going through. I knew there was no way to prepare him for the experience except to let him experience it. Some stupid insignificant thing will bring back a flood of memories. What did dad say about this? How would dad feel about that? My anger for you came back, if you had been stronger if you had fought harder...If I had been a better son. I have been putting off this post because I just don't know how to feel anymore. I keep trying and telling myself I am trying when I am not truly trying. Trying to get healthier physically and mentally. Mentally I am still depressed about losing you. I have not had time for that to heal and I compounded it more with my own stupidity. Now the economy is in the shitter, and I am terrified for my job, and a hundred other things. I haven't been talking to God like I should, n fact i have missed church for a month now. I need to workout and diet, but I find excuses. I think that you and I had that talk about there always being a tomorrow, and then I learned that you always don't have a tomorrow. I am not the first nor am I the only one to lose my father, I know it is a club of us, we share unspoken things we wince a little when a friend bad mouths a living parent knowing we would love to have had that fight with our fathers just to be able to share a few more moments. You are gone and yet you are here with me, I feel your presence and I know you have helped to shape my values. I guess the simplest way to say it is I needed some time to be mad at you again. Now I need your help and strength to become better. I know I can not succeed alone, but I know I can succeed. Love ya guy!

Sports Update

The Wings are in the final round of the Stanley cup playoffs. They can close it out tonight in Pittsburgh. The Tigers are in first place of a very weak division (the Indians are in last). The cavaliers got bounced out of the NBA playoffs and LeBron stormed off like a baby after the loss. You would have hated this past weekend when Tiger went birdie birdie to win the tournament. Love ya guy.

For Fun

Does anyone even check here anymore? Sorry about not posting but I am sure the other posts filled you in.

Update

Day 1 of a new 50 day challenge will start tomorrow. Easter cost me some, and last week I found out I either sprained my wrist or tore a ligament. I will find out more about my injury this Saturday when I go back for a follow up. Pistons are getting their butts beat, but the Red Wings are about to sweep Columbus. Love ya guy.

Challenge

Has stalled, I am still at 21 pounds down, but Easter certainly curtailed my weight loss. I might not make the 100 pounds, but I will still be lighter than when I started. I am in a little funk right now, but will snap out pretty quickly. I hurt my wrist, although I am really not sure how. Easter was a lot of fun. Love ya guy.

Updates

Last night MSU played in the championship game. Unfortunately they lost. My diet is going okay, I am up to 21 pounds. I am a little behind in my challenge, but after Easter this weekend I think I will gain a lot of ground on the challenge. Love ya guy.

Crazy

I would love to be able to talk to you now. All of the things going on in the world now. Things are fairly crazy. The president fired a CEO of a private company the other day. We are bailing out corporations left and right and it is just crazy. You had really started to change in your political view those last few years, I would love to hear your take now. I miss you. Love ya guy.

Challenge Week 1 End

14.4 pounds gone in the first week. Could have been more, but wasn't really good on Saturday or Sunday. I will update you after every Monday. This is a great start because if I can lose 14 every week that will give me the 100. I know I can do it, and it will be good for me and my family. Love ya guy.

MSU update

Men made it to the final four. The women got bumped out in the sweet sixteen by blowing a lead in the final minute. A national title would be really nice. Love ya guy.

The 50 day challenge

A few people have told me that it can't be done. If I have learned anything from life it is that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. I have a real plan. Exercise in the morning, stick to my diet, and walk an hour in the store everyday. I am into my second day, and it is going well. I have lost about seven pounds so far. A lot of people think I can't do this, but it is important to understand if I fail that I will still have lost weight and that is good. I will succeed though. One hundred pound in fifty days. Love ya guy.

Sports Update Sweet Sixteen

Both the men and women Spartans have made it to the sweet sixteen. The women beat Duke in sound fashion, it was very fitting. Love ya guy.

New Bucket List Entry

See the Red Wings in a playoff game at the Joe.
Love ya guy.

Why Am I Mad?

The truth is I am mad at myself. I think I have wallowed in self pity for too long. I stopped caring and shut down for a long time. I am mad at you, that hasn't changed, what has changed is I can truly voice it and understand it. I know all about the stages of grief and I have finally accepted your passing. I accept the loss, and accept that it didn't have to happen, but it did happen. I miss you. Anyway these postings will be more often and have a different tone. On Monday march 23rd I am starting a challenge for myself. I WILL LOSE 100 POUNDS IN 50 DAYS. I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for my son so he doesn't have to lose his dad too soon. I will post my progress hopefully everyday if not every couple of days. The challenge will be talked about in each post as well as other things. Things that we would have talked about if you were still here. Love ya guy.

Where am I

I don't know where I am. It has been a year and a half basically since you passed. I am still mad at you because you just had to pull that line. You couldn't let yourself heal, you robbed me and my son of ever getting to know you. That is why I am mad. You didn't have to die, that facility should have kept a better eye on you, they should have listened to the tube and made sure. You have left an extreme void in my life, and I don't know how to fill it. What I have been doing isn't smart or helping. I don't want to see you for a long time, but if I don't change things I will probably see you soon. I want to talk to you on my terms. I want you to know you are not forgotten, but you left a lot of people with a hole in their hearts where you used to be. I miss you everyday, I think about you in some way everyday. I need to be mad at you for awhile right now, I need to use my anger to snap myself out of my own funk. You are gone, and nothing will replace you and nothing will bring you back. My son will not really remember his grandpa Pancost and any other children I have will never know you. I will be mad at you for awhile. I will never stop loving you, but right now I am choosing anger. Love ya guy.

Spartans won big ten

The Spartans won the big ten outright, but lost the tournament. The NCAA tournament starts next week. We got a second seed, we could have gotten a one seed if we had won the big ten tournament. Love ya guy.

Early Birthday

I am giving you an early birthday present. I am going back to PWLC, and sticking to my diet. I will get smaller for my son. I know it is something you wanted to do, but never accomplished. I know that is part of the reason I don't have you in my life anymore. I am giving the gift to my family, but I am calling it your birthday gift. Love ya guy.

Deja Vu

A few Fridays ago Tanis and i were on our way to spend a fun day together. We had it all mapped out on what we were going to do. It was close to 10 a.m. so the stores were all going to open on time....Then the phone rang. It was the office. Evidently one of the sales associates wasn't able to get a hold of me, and they forgot to call sooner. Change the plans, sorry buddy I got to go to work. I had the worst feeling in the world, I knew exactly how Tanis felt, and now I knew how you felt. I could see that he was disappointed, I could feel the disappointment oozing from the backseat of the car. I tried to make it up to him, but I know that there is no way to make it up, I know all he wants is to spend time with me. I knew because I had been the disappointed kid in the backseat too. I now know that the sacrifices you made for us. I know it is a no win situation. You have to put work first sometimes, not as a conscious choice but sometimes it is the only choice you have. I appreciate all you did for us, and I hope someday my son understands. I hope that he finds himself never having to do it to his son, but that is what a man has to do sometimes. I guess the key is to make enough good memories that the bad ones don''t dominate. Mom talks about not taking many vacations after you opened the shop. I remember enough trips, and I remember the big ones we went on when I was young. I remember little trips that you might not even remember. I remember more good than bad. I still have some bad but the good always win. Love ya guy.

Pride

Pride come before the fall. We are taught to be ashamed of pride, but you taught me that there are times when pride is important. You were always proud of Lansing, and always wanted the city to succeed. You were always proud of the groups you belonged to: Jaycees, Craftsman etc. You were always proud of Michigan State. You always supported your sports teams no matter how good or bad (usually more bad than good) they were. You made me proud to be your son. Your made me proud of my last name and what it stands for. I hope to teach my son to be the man you taught me to be. Love ya guy.

The Bucket List

Kellie and I watched the movie the Bucket List Saturday night. it was kind of depressing, and we didn't have the normal conversation of what would be on our bucket lists, since I knew a few of yours I want to share a couple of mine so far.

1. I would like to take formal dance lessons, and take my wife out somewhere where we would actually dance the waltz, or the fox trot or whatever.

2. Skydive (everyone who knows me knows this is something I've always wanted to do).

3. See the Grand Canyon again.

4. Make a difference.

These are a few I have come up with. Love ya guy.

Starting Over

I have started working out again. I started Monday so today is the 3rd day. I have lost some of my prowess, but I am motivated to stick to it. I need a little extra push with the diet but I am trying. The Spartans lost their bowl game, but the basketball team beat Ohio last night so I have a little bit of sports happiness. Mom and I both had an engine scare with our cars. Mine was an overheating problem that did not cause any engine damage, and mom ended up only needing a $300 repair. We both were afraid we would need new engines. Tanis has started to really get into board games and doesn't want to believe that he is too young for any of them. Love ya guy.

Going Behind Bars For Good

I have been tapped to spend an hour raising funds for MDA. They are locking me up on January 22nd. Anyone who would like can help me ahead of time by following the link and making a donation. Thank you if you can help.
https://www.joinmda.org/westernreserve2009lockup/pancostmatters2

A New Year

A fresh year starts today. I think I can come out of my funk now. I am ready to start my diet back up and re-start my workouts. A new year began today. I like the first day of a new year because it gives us an opportunity to look forward. It is a clean slate full of possibilities. I wonder what will happen. What will I see and do. I guess this is the part where i share what I hope to see happen in this next year. I hope to see all of us get serious about getting healthy(mom, Cheri, Alex and I). I hope to take my family on a vacation this year, even if it is only for a camping trip. I hope to become better financially (even though that will be very tough this year). I plan to grow in my faith. I plan to strengthen my marriage, and my family. I hope to increase the size of my family. I hope to start a hobby just for me with just me time involved. I hope to slow time down once in awhile and truly learn to enjoy the moment. I hope to become a better friend, and neighbor. I hope to increase sales and keep my company growing. I hope to talk to you a little more often. I plan on getting my conceal carry permit. I plan on not leaving things unsaid. Love ya guy.

The Lions

You died Friday Novemeber 2nd, 2007, on Sunday Novermber 4th 2007 the Lions won a football game. That was the last regular season game they have won since you passed. They went this last year 0 and 16. That makes them the worst team in the history of the NFL. Now I don't know what to think of this, but it seems maybe you were a lucky charm for them or something. As I write this the Spartans are playing in their bowl game. They are losing 10 to 6, if you could send them some luck I would appreciate it. I miss you. Love ya guy.