Where have I been?

Jame's dad passed away. I went to the wake and the funeral and spent time talking to him. The funeral was very hard for me, his dad wasn't much older than you when he passed. It just isn't fair to lose people so soon. There is so much more life to experience, and so much more conversations to be had. It really struck me as unfair, and I felt pain for both of us, and I was ashamed for feeling pain for myself. It was my job to be there for my friend, and what I felt was personal. I left early on Friday because I couldn't deal with it. I knew what he would be going through. I knew there was no way to prepare him for the experience except to let him experience it. Some stupid insignificant thing will bring back a flood of memories. What did dad say about this? How would dad feel about that? My anger for you came back, if you had been stronger if you had fought harder...If I had been a better son. I have been putting off this post because I just don't know how to feel anymore. I keep trying and telling myself I am trying when I am not truly trying. Trying to get healthier physically and mentally. Mentally I am still depressed about losing you. I have not had time for that to heal and I compounded it more with my own stupidity. Now the economy is in the shitter, and I am terrified for my job, and a hundred other things. I haven't been talking to God like I should, n fact i have missed church for a month now. I need to workout and diet, but I find excuses. I think that you and I had that talk about there always being a tomorrow, and then I learned that you always don't have a tomorrow. I am not the first nor am I the only one to lose my father, I know it is a club of us, we share unspoken things we wince a little when a friend bad mouths a living parent knowing we would love to have had that fight with our fathers just to be able to share a few more moments. You are gone and yet you are here with me, I feel your presence and I know you have helped to shape my values. I guess the simplest way to say it is I needed some time to be mad at you again. Now I need your help and strength to become better. I know I can not succeed alone, but I know I can succeed. Love ya guy!