Spartan

Are a mediocre football team but is now bowl eligible. The basketball team starts the season ranked 2nd in the nation. On the professional side the most boring football game of all time will be played this Sunday Lions VS. Browns. Love ya guy!

Response

My wife was brutally honest lately about how the mis-carriages have affected her so I am going to try and address that as well. I miss you now because I don't know how to react to this situation. We have been through them before and as always I am torn. i want to grieve but know I need to be strong for her. I want to I want to yell and be mad but at whom? This one hurt even more because like Kellie I felt this one would be different. We both felt it was our daughter in her womb. I let myself dream of days that fathers share with their daughters, what it would be like to walk her down the aisle things like that. I let myself dream and now my dream is gone. I am truly thankful for my son and my wife but at times like these it becomes so hard not to feel angry and hurt, to not long for what should be and to not feel like the universe has f***ed me. Okay, that is the most self pity I will allow. I am truly blessed, i have a job, food, shelter, clothing, and a family that loves me. I know God has a plan for all of us but I can't help but agree with Kellie when she said God is mean sometimes. It is a simple statement but we all feel our fathers are mean sometimes when he really knows better than we do what we need. Love ya guy!

Demons

I have had several beginnings for this post, several thoughts and basically a pretty rough month since we last talked. I was not able to go visit on the 2nd. I did go visit this last Monday, and we did go to your grave. I don't know what i am supposed to feel at times like this. I feel the full range of emotions, but that is not what i took from this last visit. I couple the visit with what I saw on the biggest loser the other night and have been seeking an epiphany. So far it hasn't come but I did have a start to one. In the show one of the trainers said you can't lose weight unless you know why you gained it to begin with. I am still looking for the main reason I turn to food so I can get my head straight, but I know your death has affected me recently. I am depressed because of your passing. I am mad that you left. I am sad because you aren't here. I am angry because of the pain it causes mom and knowing I can't do anything to change that. We all carry demons and those demons are sometimes at the surface and sometimes they are buried. Food is a demon for me. Before you passed I was doing well and I let your passing derail me. I am worse off now than when I started last time, and a lot of the time I just don't care. I am killing myself and I don't care. I am robbing my son of his father and I don't care. This has to change, I have to excise this demon because I am not ready to see you yet. Love ya guy!