You Only Have One?

I get asked that question so many times when I talk to customers or am out. They see Tanis or hear about him and ask "you only have one?" It is an innocent question and I know people don't mean anything by it, but sometimes it cuts to the bone. We both wanted more children and have tried, but the miscarriages have almost destroyed our marriage and has definitely caused depression. People carry all kinds of pain bottled up inside that is never shared this is my pain. Kellie and I wanted more children, we have experienced pain that a lot of the world never has to go through. We know what it is like to go to the O.B. to hear a heart beat and instead get told that something went wrong and that it was just bad luck and that we are young enough we can try again. We have spent most of our 30's trying again and all we have to show for it is our awesome son. I am so thankful we have him but I wish we had a bigger family. I wish we had a daughter to walk down the aisle. Not six silent scars I carry on my heart. Scars that are torn open when someone says "you only have one?" It is an innocent question but it sounds so sarcastic and accusatory to me. Like you could only succeed once....ha ha your not a real man. The other statement that cuts is "you don't understand because you only have one child." Well I want to say to them you don't understand because you haven't been through 6 miscarriages. Your wife hasn't been pregnant for 100 weeks but only has one child. The pain I see in Kellie's eyes kills me, she is my world and I want to protect her and I don't even understand how hard it has been on her how much more painful it must be for her to lose a child. So I proudly and loudly say I only have one and I love him more than any other child in the world and I love my wife for giving him to me and I will be the man they both need me to be. Love ya guy!

Guilty Pleasure

I have to admit that I really enjoyed the movie Real Steel. Tanis and I went and saw it after school one day last fall. We both enjoyed it. He enjoyed it because it was robots fighting. I enjoyed it because it wasn't animated. I know it isn't an Oscar worthy movie nor was it particularly original, but I did enjoy it. It was fun to see a movie about a father and son with my son. Time is flying by, he is 8 already. It is hard to be a parent sometimes and I realize how hard it is to connect sometimes. I try to take time out for him and this movie was a perfect afternoon for us. Love ya guy!

Bittersweet Milestone

Last week I hit a bittersweet milestone, when you passed away I only had one pair of jeans as most of the time I wear dress slacks and dress shirts So I had to buy some jeans. Those jeans haven't fit for 4 years. On Christmas Eve day I was able to put them on and snap them easily. I even needed a belt. I am still a bit heavier than when you passed, but I am heading in the right direction. (even though I was bad new years eve and day) It felt good to be able to wear them but bad to remember I missed you at the Holidays this year more than past years. I am not sure why, but it may have to do with some memories are starting to fade and I want to hold onto them so tightly that it hurts. I was going to do the entire month of December as memories of you but I know I can't come up with 31 of them and that makes me sad. I'm not saying I don't have 31 memories of you, but I can't conjure up 31 just off the top of my head, and some of them are not necessarily happy and a few are too personal to ever share. Just know that you are missed. P.S. The Spartans won their bowl game in triple overtime. Love ya guy.

New Year

Today is the first day of a new year.

I want to take a look back on the past year.

To start with I ended this year about 80 pounds lighter than my heaviest weigh in.

The Spartan football team only lost twice in the regular and also lost the Big Ten Championship game (that cost them a trip to the Rose bowl).

A scary sign that 2012 may be our last year is the fact the Lions made the playoffs.

Tanis, Kellie and I went to Florida and almost got to see a shuttle launch.

I am sure there are a lot of significant things that happened but right now I am blanking on them so rather than looking back I will look ahead. (2012 resolutions)

I resolve to lose more weight in 2012.

I resolve to spend more quality time with my family.

I resolve to write in my blog at least 3 times a week.

I resolve to be more focused on my job.

I resolve to be more focused on my families needs especially my wife.

I resolve to be nicer to Ditzy, Kuky and Scamp as we may not have much longer with the latter 2.

I resolve to be more open about my feelings and ask for help when I need it.

I resolve to say I am sorry when I mess up.

I resolve to ride every roller coaster at Cedar Point by the end of the 2012 season (see resolution 1)

I resolve to do the warrior dash with my wife.

I resolve to do a 5k or bike ride before the end of the summer.

I resolve to grow in my Faith.

I resolve to learn an instrument (not necessarily well, but learn it anyway).

I think that is enough to put on my plate for now. I miss you and wish you were still here. Love ya guy.