You Can't Go Back

Last night I took Tanis to Pinball Petes. It is not what it was. i wanted to show Tanis a real arcade, but when we got there it had really changed. They had games that gave out tickets. I felt that it was just wrong. Pinball Petes was always a dark hole in the wall with real games, not a family destination. I guess things continue to change. Love ya guy.

Thinking of you at Christmas

Okay, so I haven't bought a Chow-Chow calendar in 2 years. You gave me 2 very annoying traits. The first is that I can guess my presents fairly easily, the second is that I am tough to buy for. It became funny to me to keep buying you the calendar and the pistachios. What I truly miss is the fun gift you would pick out for us by yourself. It was always cool and most times useful. The one year you bought the tire iron, I think it is called a diamond because of the four different ends. It seemed weird but I have used it, and still have it. I wanted to buy something for Tanis strictly from me, but the thing i found is not in stock or was dis-continued. I still plan on trying to find something. Being a dad at Christmas makes me want to say thank you, I realize now how much time parents put into a Santa present. I got this years done early, so no late night Christmas Eve. Love ya guy.

Two of Two Posts (heavy)

The anniversary affected me in a way I didn't expect. I didn't expect to ignore and bottle my feelings. It felt like a scab getting peeled off, all the pain came rushing back. I guess a scab is a good analogy because sometimes the blood helps clean the wound and speed the healing. I have been faced with some pretty heavy questions. Who should we be angry at? When tragedy happens people get angry and they don't know who to be mad at. I found that it is okay to be mad at God because he has the patience and love we need. But I find the angry person is usually mad at themselves. They are mad at missed opportunities and regret. But eventually you have to let the anger go. When you let the raw anger go I think you find a much better question. What are you angry about? It really isn't a who it is a what. People say if I had one more day with them one more minute one more whatever. I don't really believe this anymore. If you had been able to speak what would we have talked about, there is no way to get all the answers in such a short time. I told you I love you, and I know you heard that. We just can't have "another". We will always want just a little bit more. I think that is the source of anger and hurt knowing that we should have been paying attention for a long time and living every minute. Have you ever tried to make sure you always tell a loved one you love them, sometimes life happens and you forget that one time and then that is the last time you ever talk to them. The people who have to keep living carry it like a burden but the people who move on know the love. I believe they tell them that from beyond. I believe you have told me from beyond. The day we interred your ashes you came to visit and said your goodbye, I have never seen a light so bright. I honestly don't have anger, I have come to terms with you passing out of my life to soon. I don't have major regret, just questions. I am not angry at you or God. That is the other thing that has started to change in me, I am finding my faith. It has started as a small ember and I have tried to nurture the flame and let it grow. i have joined a church and was Baptised again. I am finding peace in my faith. Recently I have read two books that have helped me "Christmas Sweater" by Glenn Beck and "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom, both have a great message. One taught me that I can be forgiven if I can learn to forgive myself. The other taught me that our stories are interwoven but we can't always see how. I will try to better at posting. I still have a lot to talk to you about, I still have more healing to go through. I want you to know that I am healing and ready to focus on me for awhile. I will focus on getting healthy, I will focus on my family, and I will make sure my friends and family know I love them even if I forget to say it. Love ya guy.

One of Two Posts (light)

Well, I never said I was good at this blog thing. At first I just didn't know what to say and then as time drifted on I got a kick out of not putting anything new up. A week became a couple became a month became much more. On the anniversary of your death Kellie and I went through your coin collection. We sorted and sorted some more. We found 48 or 50 steel wheat pennies. It was a lot of fun and seemed fitting. Tanis had his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. That was a lot of fun and has caused many an impromptu game of "Dunk the Alien." (Just go with it.) He got some cool presents for his birthday, but he seemed to like his R2D2 Mr. Potato head. It was my favorite because it doesn't make any noise. He also got a kids version of Yahtzee, the fun thing about that is it is quick. He has really started to like playing board games and feels he is old enough to play any of them. I do ask him sometimes if he remembers you and he always says yes. Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked turkey 3 different ways. One in the oven, one on the grill, and one in the BBQ. All turned out nice. We had so many people we had to set up a second table. Mom and Alex came. The next day we did some shopping, but we didn't go to any of the door busters. The Spartans are playing a New Years Day Bowl Game: Capital One Bowl. The Basketball team is doing OK, their usual rocky start. The Red Wings are doing OK, not setting the world on fire. The Pistons are playing well, but the Cavaliers and Celtics have been on fire. The Lions are having a perfect season, 2 more games to lose to have a perfect season. I used one of your knives last night to help open boxes as I worked on Tanis's Christmas present. Love ya guy.