Two of Two Posts (heavy)

The anniversary affected me in a way I didn't expect. I didn't expect to ignore and bottle my feelings. It felt like a scab getting peeled off, all the pain came rushing back. I guess a scab is a good analogy because sometimes the blood helps clean the wound and speed the healing. I have been faced with some pretty heavy questions. Who should we be angry at? When tragedy happens people get angry and they don't know who to be mad at. I found that it is okay to be mad at God because he has the patience and love we need. But I find the angry person is usually mad at themselves. They are mad at missed opportunities and regret. But eventually you have to let the anger go. When you let the raw anger go I think you find a much better question. What are you angry about? It really isn't a who it is a what. People say if I had one more day with them one more minute one more whatever. I don't really believe this anymore. If you had been able to speak what would we have talked about, there is no way to get all the answers in such a short time. I told you I love you, and I know you heard that. We just can't have "another". We will always want just a little bit more. I think that is the source of anger and hurt knowing that we should have been paying attention for a long time and living every minute. Have you ever tried to make sure you always tell a loved one you love them, sometimes life happens and you forget that one time and then that is the last time you ever talk to them. The people who have to keep living carry it like a burden but the people who move on know the love. I believe they tell them that from beyond. I believe you have told me from beyond. The day we interred your ashes you came to visit and said your goodbye, I have never seen a light so bright. I honestly don't have anger, I have come to terms with you passing out of my life to soon. I don't have major regret, just questions. I am not angry at you or God. That is the other thing that has started to change in me, I am finding my faith. It has started as a small ember and I have tried to nurture the flame and let it grow. i have joined a church and was Baptised again. I am finding peace in my faith. Recently I have read two books that have helped me "Christmas Sweater" by Glenn Beck and "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom, both have a great message. One taught me that I can be forgiven if I can learn to forgive myself. The other taught me that our stories are interwoven but we can't always see how. I will try to better at posting. I still have a lot to talk to you about, I still have more healing to go through. I want you to know that I am healing and ready to focus on me for awhile. I will focus on getting healthy, I will focus on my family, and I will make sure my friends and family know I love them even if I forget to say it. Love ya guy.