Demons

I have had several beginnings for this post, several thoughts and basically a pretty rough month since we last talked. I was not able to go visit on the 2nd. I did go visit this last Monday, and we did go to your grave. I don't know what i am supposed to feel at times like this. I feel the full range of emotions, but that is not what i took from this last visit. I couple the visit with what I saw on the biggest loser the other night and have been seeking an epiphany. So far it hasn't come but I did have a start to one. In the show one of the trainers said you can't lose weight unless you know why you gained it to begin with. I am still looking for the main reason I turn to food so I can get my head straight, but I know your death has affected me recently. I am depressed because of your passing. I am mad that you left. I am sad because you aren't here. I am angry because of the pain it causes mom and knowing I can't do anything to change that. We all carry demons and those demons are sometimes at the surface and sometimes they are buried. Food is a demon for me. Before you passed I was doing well and I let your passing derail me. I am worse off now than when I started last time, and a lot of the time I just don't care. I am killing myself and I don't care. I am robbing my son of his father and I don't care. This has to change, I have to excise this demon because I am not ready to see you yet. Love ya guy!