Getting this out

It has been almost a year now. The anniversary of you going to the hospital happened last week. I have looked back on the year and have realized I haven't dealt with your passing. This post is about dealing with it. I blame myself. I really do. I was there the day the doctor suggested the feeding tube, and I helped talk mom into having it done. I don't know that anything would have changed if I hadn't been there. Maybe she wouldn't have had the feeding tube put in, and then you wouldn't have pulled it out. I have used you as an excuse for a year. i have felt cold and numb inside and rather than deal with it I found other things to fill the void. I have gained all of the weight I had lost back. I am not using you as an excuse but I kept telling myself one more this one more that. I will start after the weekend, I will start tomorrow, just eat the pizza tonight and I will be ready. Food is not the answer, I know that. I miss you, and I wish you were still here. The last thing you would want is for me to gain weight and I know that. I will start Thursday and stick to it. I will use this sight to talk to you, but also to tell about whether I was good on my diet, and whether I worked out. I have to get the guilt and sadness out of me. I don't know how to be happy when I am so sad. At least in the next few weeks we will run out of "firsts". You know the first Christmas without you and so on. I don't know if you had lived if we would have been better friends, or I would have wasted more time. Had you walked out of that hospital would you have changed? These are the questions I would ask. Life flies by at an awesome pace and nobody knows how long their trip will last. Did you have any regrets? If you could do it all over again what would you change? These deep questions I turn on myself when I think about you. I thought I would be so different than you, I wouldn't let work rule my life, I would be there for everything. The truth is, I realize that you weren't a bad parent and what you did was for your family, but I have become you. I only wish that I was as involved in the community as much as you. I wish that I could slow things down and capture some of that time. It was so much fun taking Tanis fishing, just letting the time drift by. I am sad, I do miss you, I am guilty and i am depressed. I don't know if this even makes sense anymore. I need to snap out of this funk and take care of me and my family. That is what I am going to do. Love ya guy.